Today was a painful day for me. Call it PMS (maybe, and hopefully not), I’m just an emotional wreck. I saw Pink. Not pretty pink, but pink that screams “your month is over!!” This kind of pink that taunts me every month and steals away the hope I so cautiously gathered only a few weeks before. Me and Pink don’t get along. We’ve become very acquainted over the past 3 years. For some reason, Red isn’t so condescending.. but Pink teases me as one is never sure if it means our hopes and dreams are about to come true.. or that we must wait a few more days to start the cruel cycle all over again.
The anxiety of Modified Natural IVF is creeping up on me. I am more scared of this ‘next step’ as the time gets closer and closer. This past month has been a ‘au naturale’ cycle. We BD’d like crazy this month (sorry TMI)… but we thought maybe doing it naturally would work, as many advisors (online and in person) have sincerely said. Miracles happen, right?
The way Modified Natural IVF works is that it uses the eggs I produce naturally (with the help of Femara). And my fear is that though I’ve read that ladies may produce 1-3 eggs with the help of Femara, I’ve also heard/read that not all eggs get fertilized. I’ve shared before that my insurance covers infertility to a point. But after that point, we’re on our own. And just the Natural IVF will cost a pretty penny on its own. I feel like if this doesn’t work, it will be our last hope. Because Traditional IVF will cost at least $14,000 out of pocket, we won’t be able to take that route until we get some bills paid. And, on Friday, I found out my husband was laid off from his job.
At this point, I don’t want to believe that God might be giving us a definitive “no” but I need to prepare my heart for the worst case scenario. Is there hope out there? I see happy news all the time, successful IVF stories.. but I know my God gives us the final answer.. this is truly a test of my faith and I am determined to get an “A” -Regardless of the answer.