Life Postponed

How do I say this without breaking down in tears… For a lot of reasons, we have postponed our IVF indefinitely.  And perhaps its for good reason.  Maybe, just maybe it will happen next year.  But this year has not been our year.  Do you ever have a Season where everything just goes wrong?  Where you feel like you have nothing while everyone around you has everything??  This is our family.  But this hasn’t always been the case.  For 2010-2011, we had nothing but great news: Our engagement, my college graduation, my son’s 8th grade graduation, our wedding.  Not to mention endless vacations.. etc.  Thinking back, I may have been insensitive to others going through difficult times as we flaunted out announcements here and there.

But, this year, we definitely felt the dark side of the grass.  Doing everything possible to sell our condo/buy a house.  All doors seem like they have shut in our face.  Even in trying to refinance our condo, the difference in payments weren’t worth the trouble. Then we needed a new central air conditioner, then my husband lost his job… then….. well, you know the baby story.

So, due to circumstance, and with LOTS of consideration, we have decided to put off the IVF cycle and the baby making.. to recoup and regroup. Rehash and retrace our steps… and start life over next year.

Yesterday, during an appointment with my Chinese Medicine Doctor I broke down, it may be due to the technique she was using as she beat my shoulder with a stick till blisters surfaced.  But, nevertheless, I broke down in tears.  She knew how stressed I have been and she quietly said, “say, Jesus help me.”  And she kept saying that.  In the half hour I was there, she sat quietly and let me cry and when I wanted to hold it in she said to just let it out.  She prayed and cried with me.  And I just knew I was in the right place at the right time.

With all that being said, I will wait anxiously till next year because I have a feeling there is no other way to go but Up.