My Dark Secret

I have been going back and forth on when I should share this.  When I started my blog, I had no doubt I would eventually share it.  In part, I have been going through a healing process the past few months and I feel this is a step towards true healing. But, most importantly, I wanted to reach out to anyone who might be going through the same thing.

Note: I will probably end up deleting this post eventually, this sensitive subject is highly confidential personally.  But something inside me is saying that someone needs to hear this.

The year 2004, was a blur. I was a single mother, just coming out of a divorce.  A young-minded 25-year-old, I felt like I was invincible.  I was on a Divorcee Honeymoon.  Having fun was my life’s goal.  Last month, 8 years ago, we had just been through 3 of 4 hurricanes.  The power was out for 4 days in this little condo. We cooked out of the fireplace.  At night, we played board games by candlelight.  I had a friend, he was just a friend.  But, was it cabin fever? Was it curiosity? I am not sure.  But it was not a relationship either of us needed to pursue.  One-night-stand.

This month, 8 years ago, I jumped up. No symptoms, nothing out of the ordinary.  I just knew, I needed to take a test. Something in me was different.  And there it was a clear and quick answer……. positive. I was pregnant.  Me, a “good girl” but already divorced, already a single mother: pregnant.  And this time, with no one to turn to.  My first thought, should I even call him?  I did. His answer, “you better take care of it.” So I did. I called the doctor. I went to a specialist, and at the time with my given diagnosis I would have been a high-risk pregnancy patient.  At that time I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus. I was severely sick in the past, and my doctor was telling me the ‘worst case scenario’ that I would be on bed rest the entire last half of the pregnancy.  I ran it through my mind, prayed, became numb, even put off the first appointment.  But I didn’t want it to draw out, I did what I thought I had to do: went to the clinic. I had an abortion.

My heart became numb, hate grew to its worst in my heart.  And I tried to forget.

See, last year, the same doctor that gave me the high-risk prognosis, took away my diagnosis of SLE.  Was I healed? Or had I not carried the disease all that time?  And for the first time in years, I realized that had he not told me I was going to be high-risk I would have kept the baby.

I said I tried to forget, yet I have not.  My unborn baby has been in the forefront of my thoughts many times through the day.  Often in my thoughts, my afterthoughts, and in my prayers.  She would have been 7, she might have shared the same birthday month as me and her eldest brother.  Sometimes I would imagine if she was with me in the car driving the kids to school.  And slowly, in the past few months, I have come to the realization that I need to let her go.  I need to let her be at peace, as she is in a much better place than I could ever have given her at that time.

I have dealt with the guilt, the sadness, the anger.  I hurt and ache, not because I am struggling now.  It’s the feeling that I would never want my children to hurt at my doing.  As much as I love my children, she would have been loved the same. I wished I could tell her that.

As I live month to month now trying to have a baby, I can’t help but wonder if I’m even worthy of the blessing, another chance. I pray, but I cringe. I am hopeful, yet cautious.

I have been seeing a lot of information on October 15th.  A day of remembrance for the Unborn Child.  For those lost in miscarriage, those who have not been conceived.  Not knowing if she fits into this day of remembrance, but I remember her… Often.  And she is my unborn child.

I am not writing this to advocate or not advocate for this sensitive subject.  My experiences have no bearing on a woman’s right to choose.  I am more writing this from an “infertile” point of view.  I want to share with you the dynamics of my darkest secret as someone who has now dealt with infertility for 3 years. 

216 Comments

  1. Wow, such a raw and heartfelt post! Thank you for being so open and real, you have no idea who you may be comforting and helping through this. I pray you will get your little blessing, a person as strong as you is no doubt a wonderful mother and God sees that! 🙂 Stay strong, you are an ispiration to silent women who feel the same way!

  2. Whether it was your intent or not–this post was beautifully written. I have a friend that is going through something similar. She too is trying to conceive and having difficulties. My heart goes out to you and many others in your situation. I can only imagine how hard it is to live with those memories and to live with the current difficulties. Stay strong, and positive. Thank you for sharing your story with us and for allowing others to feel a peace of mind that, they too, are not alone.

  3. well written. painful. almost cynical. definitely open.

    I believe abortion is a social experiment which can have dire consequences. And like your experience, that cannot resolve the issue. But, your experience might help someone else through similar circumstances ….

    ghost.

  4. Reblogged this on thewordpressghost and commented:
    Everyone,

    There are painful experiences we journey through. Sometimes, we regret them, sometimes we do not, and other times we should regret, yet we do not regret.

    Our fellow blogger may or may not need your encouragement, but she has written about a painful experience in her past. And in her ‘present’ she is dealing with issues related to her past experience.

    Read. Ponder. And decide what you wold do before you ‘jump.’

    Always your

    ghost.

  5. I don’t believe you should delete this, (I get your meaning for I have scrolled that button most every day with every post) Whether because of my poor punctuation (I struggle with) I believe that this will help so many, Or because I fear it will be judged or misconstrued.
    I believe the true path to letting go of guilt is to grieve selfishly. Allow yourself to understand your hate and hurt of yourself:that you feel about it. And grow. I am very glad for this post. I almost did have an abortion, I didn’t follow through, I also didn’t have the diagnoses’s you did, though I can say having a child helped speed my health declining In D.D.D and my muscular and bone problems. Still yet a work in progress. I believe one day you will help many in a decision. Or too overcoming their guilt. I find this heart rending, and honest. And never in need of deletion. Its a part of you. Never delete yourself! You are beautiful. It’s there for all to see!
    Happy writing,
    Ayaime-Aka Carlie. = ) .

  6. Thank you for sharing this. Do not delete it. Shout it from the roof-tops! I feel that if more women did this the ‘abortion’ debate wouldn’t be such a knee-jerk reaction to perceived ignorant mothers who ‘just refused to use condoms.’ While I cannot relate to you as a mother, I can tell you that your story is not a ‘dark secret.’ You were a young single mother who got tangled with a fleeting relationship- and it is all too common among women who do this. I can tell you that as I look back on my 20’s- I’ve had quite enough fleeting bed-partners to choke a hippopotamus, I have never been pregnant and sadly would have terminated the pregnancy immediately. Not a thought I enjoy dwelling on if at all.

    • I read your post last week (sorry it has taken me so long to respond to everyone!) When I was in elementary school they gave us an option to do a Sex-Ed or an elective math class. My parents opted for me to do the math class. I don’t by any means blame my life choices on that decision. But, it was the culture of the time, sex was taboo and it should be discussed. Especially, in healthy educational environments and definitely through parenting.

  7. Please know that you are not alone in this! I greatly admire your strength and courage to share this with the world!! I hope you take peace in knowing that everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason at the time but if you have faith … you know this. The diagnosis is what made your decision and I believe that a higher power knew you were going to go through with the pregnancy, and it was not written! Therefore your false diagnosis came into play in order for you to live the life that was meant for you. Please take peace in that and enjoy the children you do have and feel blessed because some are unable to have any. Count your blessings and through it all please live laugh and love!!!

  8. As a person whose personal opinion opposes abortion mostly out of thankfulness that my birth mother didn’t choose that route, I also believe you are extremely brave to admit your secret. I also believe you need to let forgive yourself and let it go of this heavy burden that you carry with you. We all make mistakes and because we are human, we have the chance to learn from this. All I can recommend is to make your peace with this before you have another child. Blessings to you.

    • Thank you so much. When I found myself pregnant with my first (at 17) some elders in my family sat me down and talked about the option of abortion. I stood my ground and now have a healthy happy 15-year old. He is an amazing son as I am sure you are the apple of your mother’s eye! I am on my way to healing, this post helped a lot.Not the post alone but the many words of encouragement and insight from everyone. I hope anyone who is going through the same thing will take it as theirs too.

  9. Thank you so much for your post though painful I know that God does not let your mistakes and heartache be for nothing. He will take your story and use it to touch many others! Just seeing a few of the comments I can see He already has! I too have many deep secrets, painful things in my life and I am looking to the Lord for healing through blogging about what He has done in my life. I can understand when you put that you pray, then cringe…. I have felt that way before! I am learning that God is not that stern father up in heaven just waiting for us to turn back only to smite us for our human ineptness or not obeying Him like we some times know we should! God is slow to anger, merciful and loves us with an everlasting love!

    Exodus 34:6
    The LORD passed before him and proclaimed, “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness,

    I have a friend that had an abortion when she had just started dating a new guy and they ended up getting married some time later. She still blamed herself for many years because of that abortion. She didn’t think herself worthy to have any children because of what she felt she did. She went through a christian based abortion healing counseling, forgave herself, and any other person she was holding animosity towards concerning the abortion. She is the happy mother of 3 beautiful children 6 years later and she is so thankful that she dealt with the hurt and scars that were left from the abortion choice that she made many years back.

    I have dealt with infertility and from age 16 the Dr.’s telling me that I will never be able to carry a baby full term. I am currently single and have been legally separated from my husband for 5 1/2 years now. I struggle with the desire to want a child in my arms almost every day as I miscarried our child April of 2007. She would have been 5 years old this Halloween and a hole is in my heart wondering how we would celebrate each and every birthday I didn’t get to have with her.

    Sorry for the ramblings… All this to say that I hope that God continues a work and healing in your life and that you will begin to heal from your past and see that there is a hope for your future!

    God bless!

    • No apologies for the ramblings! Thank you for taking the time to read and also to share your story and the word of God. I’m very sorry for your loss. I hope for healing for the both of us! I think the counseling is a good idea, yet I’ve been to a few. For some reason it’s still raw, I still break out in snot tears when I think of this baby. And even when I re-read this post I tear up.. I am sure in time it will get easier. I am learning (and trying) to let go and let God 🙂

  10. Matthew 26:28, “For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins.”

    Hebrews 4:16, “Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.”

    Luke 7:47, “Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.”

    1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

    2 Corinthians 5:17, “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”

    We serve such a loving God! We all make poor choices and sin but God is faithful and just to forgive us when we repent! The hardest part often comes in forgiving ourselves! I heard a sermon once where the preacher said our past is like a painting on the wall, it is our choice to leave it there and stare at it or we can choose to take it down, throw it in the trash and put up a new canvas and start painting a new picture to stare at! The key is to not go and dig it back out of the trash and that is also the hardest part! When you find yourself thinking about it, start praising God for his forgiveness and and ask Him to create in you a clean heart and renew a right spirit within you! The psalms are a great place to go to give you scripture to read in times of struggling with sin because David wrote some of his best stuff in response to sin that he had committed!

    • I thank you for the verses, which I’m happy I can look back on and re-read. I like that analogy of the new canvas. One of my ‘header pictures’ is a blank poster board. My “Life Board” and it was so much fun to start putting together. And when I decided I really didn’t want a Lexus but a Jaguar (in my dreams), I easily took off the picture and taped on a new one. We need to look at real life in that aspect. Thank you!

    • Awesome verses!! And as a person who loves art and has painted for several years now I LOVED the analogy of the canvas!! I can also see how God takes our lives “canvas” and can take those things that we consider bad, hard, trying, and painful and can work His magic to make it into a beautiful mural that we could never imagine for ourselves!

      I had a friend recently tell me the same thing about forgiving myself for things I have done in the past as well. What she said to me hit me so hard! I have never had a “good” or christian relationship and I have felt I was to far gone for any good christian guy to love. She said to me that God has forgiven me for my past mistakes and for me to not forgive myself was like telling God that I am higher or better than Him… I don’t know if that makes sense but it hit me square in the face… it was hard to process but total truth! Who are we to continue to hold ourselves for the sins that we have asked forgiveness for?! I am not who I once was and therefor to keep my mindset of past mistakes back in those past mistakes only keeps me from moving forward!

      1suburbanchic you are stronger than you know! Sometimes we just need reminders of how strong we really are! =)

  11. I’m so sorry you’ve had to carry this secret with you all this time. How hard it must have been to make the decision you made. You have brought tears to my eyes and an ache in my chest. For you and your unborn child.
    I suffered from infertility for 5 plus years and ended up being diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis. After many surgeries and 2 failed Intrauterine Inseminations, the 3rd was successful. Don’t despair. Keep praying. Do whatever it takes. Have faith. I will be thinking of you.

  12. This post stopped me in my tracks. I’m sorry you had to go through this, and still are going through this. I believe that whatever our choices back in the days are, in our personal life, they (mostly) were right at the time and you can’t punish yourself for it years later. Or that someone somewhere higher would punish us. Even if we make wrong choices, we have the right for it – that’s part of our life
    . I sincerely hope you will have another blessing for a child. You do deserve it. All of us do. All I can tell you all is, to keep trying.

  13. You are so brave for sharing this.
    While I have never been where you are, many have and just know you aren’t alone.
    Have you thought of naming your angel baby ?
    Just remember you aren’t alone and you are worthy of love,
    No matter the past

  14. I don’t think you should ever delete this post. It is raw, it is real and it’s really very beautiful. You made a choice at a time where you had nowhere to turn to. Life is about making hard decisions – this is one that you will need to forgive yourself for. You will move forward without the haunting memory I hope. My heart aches for you and for your unborn child.

    I am not a religious person, but I do believe she is somewhere – somewhere good.

    I don’t know you but am sending cyberhugs your way because I just feel like you need them today.
    Kiran

  15. Thank you for sharing your secret, hope little by little you do let her be at peace, but I understand (I know what you mean).
    Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed, but I am not sure such a secret was meant to be FP. Oh well, we have to learn to live with our decisions.

  16. We all have stories don’t we? Mine was that of staying in bed for the last 22 weeks of a pregnancy in the hopes of keeping this baby that appeared at the time to be wanting a way out. Now, 16 years later, she is part of this world but with little or no life. She is suffering from a connective tissue disorder and has not been in school for the most part of the last 6 years – yet, she is still hoping that things will get better for her and that she will one day be able to have a normal life. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn’t have ignored the signs while I was pregnant and let the pregnancy run its natural course. But life also runs its own course – and no matter how or why all of this has happened – every good day my daughter has is the best day I have had yet. We need to be thankful for what we have and keep hoping for the best.

  17. This was incredibly brave of you to post. You would be surprised to know how many women have done the same thing you have and have experienced the same feelings of guilt, confusion, and hopelessness. This was probably really cathartic for you to write this all down and I hope this helps you move forward in your healing process. I hope you and your husband eventually get the baby you are both trying for.

  18. Wow, this was a powerful entry – I hope you don’t actually delete it or if you do, save it somewhere.

    I do think that the things we do have ramifications far along and far beyond what we expect them to. I was telling my wife the other day that “I think Young Logan screwed me over hard” because I used to smoke and have late nights to the point that now I still feel the effects of that and am hard of hearing in one ear. Of course, there’s no comparison to you went through but it’s still the past reaching up into your present and making itself known.

    In any case, I just wanted you to know that I enjoyed reading this entry and look forward to others.

    • It’s totally relate-able (sorry I couldn’t come up with a better word) though! The things we do affect us in ways we never could imagine. For instance, my boys like candy, and I’m always telling them to brush or their teeth are going to fall out. I guess our perception of consequence is often blurred by the temptation in the moment. Hope I didn’t ramble, it’s past my bedtime.. in short, I agree and thank you for reading!!

  19. I commend you for sharing this information, I could not even begin to imagine what it would feel like to go through a situation like this. You are remarkable for having the courage to share this so other people can understand what it might be like even so many years later.

  20. This is incredibly brave and heartfelt! This really must have opened many peoples eyes as to how serious a decision it really is for women, and how it’s not just the physical thing that counts, but the years of turmoil afterwards. I hope this has helped with your healing somewhat, and you’ve received only supportive and positive comments.

  21. I have been through alot in the last couple years, and can completely sympathize with your feelings of unworthyness. It’s a lie. We are so blessed to have a God of grace that loves us like no other love we’ve ever felt. I am so amazed every day when I realize that he loves me and there’s nothing I can do to lose that love. Big hug my girl (:

  22. I wish I could just give you a hug. How brave. I am not religious, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and there is always a gift in the garbage. Have confidence in the fact that you were able to make that decision, and that you did what was best. Sending you lots of love ❤

  23. It takes courage to release what lies deep within us, mostly for fear of having to address a matter which has so much pain associated with it. Having to deal with infertility is an extremely difficult matter, as well as dealing with the decision you had to make. I am also dealing with it as well after making the decision not to keep a child. It feels harder to deal with the older you are, because you feel as though your time is running out. Well if i serve as any inspiration, allow me to say this, my younger cousin has lupus, one kidney and gave birth to 2 children. She was high risk and spent alot of time on bed rest, but she has 2 healthy beautiful children. My mother gave birth to my younger brothers naturally at 42, & 44, so never allow time to make you feel pressured. Also, never accept one diagnosis, and do not claim infertility. There are so many success stories, do more research to look for a way. I have considered trying different fertility treatments. Just know you are not alone, and you will get through this. Try and stay positive, although it is the most hardest thing to do. I will keep you in my prayers!

  24. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I am glad you did not delete this. I know it had to be hard for you but sometimes it is very healing to let it out. I have raynauds and I need to be further tested because raynauds is usually a precursor for Lupus or scleroderma I am nervous about it because I just heard my aunt has lupus. Keep her in your heart and know that she is okay sending love to you.

  25. Such a great, real and raw post. As you said, you have to let you go. You can’t live in the past, but should know you made a huge decision back then that you knew was best for you. You deserve a blessing and it will come your way 🙂 Best of luck and great post!

  26. I am sorry to hear this but I feel blessed to have been allowed to share it with you. I know the feeling of not knowing where to turn. But sometimes we travel down a path or even make a path to help others along it. If you delete this blog I think it would be a shame. It’s a healing process for you and I know it reaches out to many in such a difficult situation. What a blessing it is to help others!! Good for you!

  27. That took a lot of courage to write I’m sure and I hope it brings you the peace it feels like you desire with it. I too just went through a healing process, saying goodbye to a little spirit I’ve kept with me…I miscarried 6 years ago and never moved through it, just buried it…until the past few months. I know abortion-the right to choose- is a sensitive topic, however, I commend you for your honesty and writing from the heart. Be well, onesuburbanchic.

  28. Thanks so much for sharing something so personal. I think your child does fit into that day of remembrance and you do have to let the anger and guilt go. You did what you thought was the best thing to do, giving the circumstances and information you had. When I was in college my girlfriend at the time got pregnant and she had an abortion because neither one of us were in any position to take care of a child nor did we feel we wold be supported by our family. We never spoke about that since and as I have gotten older, I’ve thought some of the same thoughts you’ve had about your unborn child, but I too realize that given the time and circumstances, we did what we thought was best. I am not a fertility expert, but I do believe that when you stop “trying” you will conceive if that is in your future. Good luck with everything, I know it will all work out for the best.

  29. Thank you for sharing. I have seen your feelings played out in the lives of friends and you have written about it so well, and so tenderly. I wonder how many more women (and men) struggle with the same thoughts and feelings? I hope you receive “the blessing, another chance” soon.

  30. How interesting that you debated putting this post up, thought to possible to delete it, and now it has been Freshly Pressed. It takes serious guts to write something like this.

    My sister miscarried seven years ago, and she still thinks about her son all the time. I have a friend who is having trouble conceiving currently, and is doing everything she can to make it happen. The anguish of losing a child, whether they were never created, were aborted, or didn’t make it to term, hurts deeply. I have never experienced it myself, but my heart really does go out to those who have.

    Best of luck in the future.

  31. It takes courage to admit something as personal as that to people you do not know and some of the people being pro-life like myself. I won’t judge you, despite I am highly against abortion but what’s done it’s done; you MUSTN’T blame yourself for doing what was better in your opinion back then. You were young (actually, my mom’s been through this and has also done an abortion but that’s another topic) and you thought rationally, which in this case i assume it’s better.
    If you are meant to have a baby you will have it, don’t push it either way you may be disappointed that way. You already have a child so even if it’s not meant to be, you’ll still have the chance of seeing your boy growing up, starting a family etc..
    You shouldn’t be asking yourself this “What if” question since if you continue doing that, i can guarantee you that it wouldn’t be good for nobody. You cannot turn back time and I personally think that if you could, you probably would have done the abortion again(hope I am wrong about that!)
    I have a question though-if you do have a girl in the future and she comes to a situation close to yours, what would you advise her? (You can skip it if you feel like it) 🙂
    All the best in life and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a little girl in your home in the near future.

  32. Pingback: My Dark Secret « omaliko

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