Stress (IVF)

Today is 3dp5dt (3 Days Past 5 Day Transfer – to further detail, we transferred (2) previously-frozen 5-day-old embryos into my uterus 3 days ago).  Phew…. my oh my, how the TTC (Trying To Conceive) World can be so complicated!

The first couple days I tried to stay as low-key as possible, laying in bed most of the day on Thursday (Day of Transfer)

The second day, my son and I went to the grocery store to pick up some snacks and Redbox movies.  I took advantage of the motorized shopping cart.. you know, the little cart that you can ride in?  Positives: Got me around the store without much effort & that baby can make a sharp U-ey at any given time!  Negatives: You must tolerate the VERY loud beeping noise when reversing & it is really super slow.

Yesterday, my son had an event we committed to months ago which was 45 minutes away, so I drove him there.  Spent some time sitting at the mall, thinking I’d have to turn around and get him but ended up going back home to lay in bed.

Anyway, here are my symptoms, yesterday I had major cramping like I was about to have my period… stat!  The cramping went all through the front of my lower abdomen to my lower back.  This morning, I just felt “blahh” like I might have a cold, and I am IRRITATED with everyone.  Which leads me to the topic of my post… Stress.

Little did we know how much stress-level comes into play upon post-transfer.  After all, our doctor looked my husband in the eye during our pre-op appointment and said, “she is not to lift a finger” & “treat her like a princess”  But, since Thursday it has been nothing but easy asking him so much as to give me a glass of water.  He sighs and complains, and argues when I get up to do it myself.  Yet, it wouldn’t happen if I waited.  So, the stress level is HIGH. Super-High – especially having to drive my son to his event without any offer from my husband – and his refusal to come along, when asked. 

So, HOW do I remain stress-free?  These 5 days post-transfer are truly critical to the success of this transfer and I am hitting walls in getting the support I need. 

This isn’t a question of if he wants the baby…. I know he does.  After all, last year, I absolutely resolved to the idea that we wouldn’t have children.  But he pushed and talked so much about it that I gave in and asked him to look me in the eye and tell me if he wanted to go through the IVF process.  Well, you know the answer (because I am here today).  But, the past few days he has been nothing but distant and unsupportive.

Well, 9 more days till test day.  Hoping it will get better, but in the meantime, I’ll try find ways to stay stress-free on my own.

 

 

 

 

Transfer Day (FET) & The Full Bladder

I would have titled yesterday’s event as “The Full Bladder” had it not been for the very important event that took place. Why?  Because when they ask you to have a full bladder, that will be about the only thing on your mind for at least 30 minutes before the transfer.  In fact, I think I tried to be an overachiever because I had to relieve myself a couple times before the appointment.

So, for those going through IVF – when they tell you to have a full bladder, my suggestion is to know how quickly your bladder fills up before you start drinking!

Today is the day after transfer… I feel cramping. Like little pulling here and there.. It may have been something I ate, may be gas, excitement, nerves.  You name it.  And I’m tired.  Not sure if it’s all in my head.  So don’t take this as a go-to reference just yet! 

Anyway, thanks all for your thoughts and positive words, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Pre-Transfer (FET) Part 2

Well, it’s 6:02am. I could hardly sleep last night. I’ve been tossing and turning.  I’m like a kid at Christmas. When do I get to open my gift??

Hubby, on the other hand, is happily snoring away.

4 1/2 more hours until transfer

3 1/2 more hours till I can start drinking water – for a full bladder

Should I take another prenatal vitamin?? I want my body to be extra ready for the embryos

Should I clean?

I’m hungry – but it’s too late to eat…

I lay on one side and my butt cheek hurts, I lay on the other and my butt cheek hurts….

Thoughts….. All these thoughts are going through my head….. It’s transfer day!

Transfer-Eve (FET)

It’s almost time, I can hardly wait! 12 hours from now I’ll be in the lobby of the doctor’s office eagerly anticipating the welcome of 2 little embryos.

It’s been 2 months since the retrieval and, as time ticks closer to transfer day, the emotions swirl.  It’s not doubt. Maybe it’s fear. After all, we’ve been trying for almost 3 years.  IUIs, injections, suppositories, pills, herbal remedies, acupuncture, hypnosis, Chinese tea…. You name it, we’ve done it.  Then we took a year off to breathe.  My, what a break can do: I felt renewed.  And I felt like it gave my husband and me time to get back on the same page.

We confidently dove into the IVF process.  Not knowing the full process, each step has been a “first experience” for us both.

And now, less than a day away, we will have our biggest chance yet of having a child of our own.  I went to church this evening.  They have classes on Wednesdays.  Hubby and I decided to go to a Biblical Thinking class – it was just what I needed.  I realized that I need to stop looking to myself in this and start looking to God.  And that gives me peace.

I’m ready! SO ready for tomorrow: TRANSFER DAY!

Countdown! (IVF FET Cycle)

I had my check this morning… and I couldn’t have asked for better news – my lining looks good!

For you football fans: It’s like one of those games where your team is down by 2 points and you intently watch as the kicker attempts a 45 yd field goal…. and the crowd goes silent…. you just want to hear those two words: “It’s Good”…. and that’s what I heard today. IT’S GOOD!!

So countdown begins, transfer day is Thursday. 

I’m currently taking Lupron & Delestrogen (which I’ve been complaining about for almost a month).  Instead of lessening the meds, they have now added Progesterone in Oil, a steroid, and antibiotic to the protocol.

But I have no care in the world right now….. Countdown is ON!

Lupron Day 21 (FET Cycle)

Well, today is Day 21 on Lupron and tomorrow will be my 4th dose of Delestrogen.  My next appointment will be Thursday, a possible pre-op appointment.

ImagePhoto Credit to Google Search

 

I feel like I need to write today.  Most of the time, I plan my posts hours before I actually write them…. but today, I just feel like I need to write my little heart out.  You don’t necessarily need to read this…. this is just me blogging today.

As I was saying I’m on Day 21 of Lupron…. 21 days of shots every morning – not to mention the 1 1/2″ needle that goes into the top of my rear end every 3 days…. can I say I’m hormonal?????  I believe it’s the Lupron that makes me have hot flashes.  I could barely sleep last night because at one minute I was burning up from inside… then extremely cold the next.

And I Just Want To Cry

Really, I’m eager and excited for what is to come.  I am hopeful.  I don’t want to complain.

But these meds are no joke.  Now I understand why they have IVF support group, mentors, forums, blogs…. we need all the support we can get.  And if it was easy to tell outsiders what we’re going through, then it wouldn’t be so difficult.  Dare I say that the closest of friends, family, even spouses have no clue what us IVF-ers feel like having extreme levels of hormones injected into you every day (sometimes twice a day).  What makes it worse, is when you have an emotional day – they take it personally and the stress level rises when you feel like you have to carefully construct conversations when you really want to just SCREAM, and CRY.

3 more days…. THREE more days till my next doctor’s appointment.  I can wait. Please God, let Thursday come quick!

 

 

Sick Day (IVF)

I’m laying in bed a bit later than usual this morning… Yesterday I had this “fuzzy brain feeling” like I was tipsy… only problem was I wasn’t drinking.  The feeling lasted through the afternoon.  Then this morning I woke up with a headache.  I haven’t done much research on Delestrogen so I couldn’t tell you if it’s the side effects, if I’ve caught a bug, or just plain old stress.  Right now I just feel exhausted to the point where I have bags under my eyes and they look bloodshot.  I’ve had plenty of sleep, way more than usual. I am just tired with a headache.

My coworker called me a few minutes ago.  I confided in her a couple months ago that I would be going through IVF.  So she asked if I was OK.  I explained what I was feeling.  Then she asked me, “are you starting to wonder if it’s all worth it?”

Without hesitation I told her it is totally worth it. Absolutely worth it.

Who else would I go through the pain, sickness, overcoming my fear of needles, betting my future nest egg… who else would I go through this for..  But my own child?

This – All of This – is worth the glimmer of hope that we might be able raise a child that might look like me and act like my husband… or look like him and act like me.. whatever qualities… I don’t mind laying here fuzzy-brained on this perfect cloudy morning.

The Trust Exercise (aka Delestrogen)

The Trust Exercise: You know the drill.. One person stands with arms crossed and blind-folded.  A second person stands directly behind with arms outstretched ready to make the catch.  Hubby and I did this exercise once.  He’s a bit bigger than me so I thought I would immediately fall into his strong arms.  On my first attempt, though, my instinct told me to take a step back.  I didn’t even think about it – my feet just started stumbling as I fell.  The second time around, I had to tell myself that he was there ready to catch me.  Then I made the decision to fall.  He caught me.  Simple as that.  Then we switched places.  Same thing happened with him.. he stumbled on the first attempt, then on the second attempt he simply fell – it was a bit of a challenge for me but I caught him.

Today’s trust exercise was a bit different – with the same result.  Today was my first intramuscular shot of Delestrogen.  This new medicine will help my body get ready for my FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer).  It will help in building a healthy lining to welcome the little embryo(s).  All the fluff aside, the instructions called for my husband to inject what looks like a 2″ needle into the top of my hind quarters.  There is nothing pretty about this needle.  But for those of you who will be taking this injection, I will spare you the details and give you some tips later.

In preparation for this shot, we read the instructions together.  We thought it was no big deal. At this point, we’ve done dozens of injections – having daily shots of Gonal F/Menopur & Lupron.  We pulled out the necessary supplies.  Then, when we found the needle that connects with the syringe, we both paused.  This was supposed to go where???  My husband somehow hyped himself up to do it but I wasn’t ready.  When I was ready he hesitated.  We carried on for about 3 minutes then I finally grabbed a pillow and closed my eyes.  He injected the delestrogen and it was over. It hurt… yes, it did.  But we did it!

This was our trust exercise. I couldn’t… WOULDN’T go through this if I didn’t trust my husband.  And he made this most frightening experience a little better because he was talking the fear out of me the whole time.

So, here are my tips… ice it! I didn’t ice the injection site because I break out in hives when my skin has contact with cold things.  But Ice It for about 5 min before you inject, it will make your life so much easier.  For me, I gave myself a pinch.  I usually do this before getting blood taken to direct my attention to a different area of pain while I get injected.  Lay on your side or flat on your face so your muscles are relaxed. Finally, don’t sit down for about 30 min.  I did this after my shot and it hurt badly.  Instead give yourself a bit of time to relax, watch TV or read a magazine to pass the time 🙂

Well, there you go.  After a month of birth control & 2 weeks lupron, I’m finally on a new page in my IVF cycle.  Just a step closer to transfer day!

Lupron (IVF FET) Week 2

Recipe for Crazy

1 pill Birth Control

1 shot Lupron

Take Lupron in the morning and Birth Control in the evening. Everyday, indefinitely.

 

Had another check up.  It has now been a full 5 weeks since egg retrieval.  Our 6 little blastocysts have been patiently waiting for my body to prepare for them.  I’m now on my 4th straight week of birth control and 2nd week of Lupron.

For those of you who have already paid your due diligence on this lupron/birth control cocktail, God bless you.  I’m sure that symptoms are different with each patient, but for me……

I am at my wits end. I have hot flashes like it’s coming from my core.  Then I get cold…. chills cold.  I want to cry at EVERYTHING. I attended a pre-screening of Draft Day yesterday, which was a great movie.  And I CRIED when the Kevin Costner character made his draft pick. I can usually contain a good cry but for some reason I couldn’t.  I feel like my insides (my nerves) are on edge.  I want to cry, scream, sleep… all at the same time. I’m tired, achy, throwing up… and my hair is falling out… is that normal?

It doesn’t help that my boys have picked this very month to have their own teenager problems.  It also doesn’t help that my husband considers every outburst as a “mood swing”. It’s at these very times when I need the support of my family, but on the outside I look “normal” so to them, I’m just crazy. On top of that, my car broke down twice and overheated 3 times.

I had my doctor’s appointment this morning.  My ovaries look better, well rested.  Thank goodness.  But my lining is still a bit thick.  Which means I could be looking at another week (or 2) on this dreaded Lupron cocktail.  I NEED SUPPORT.  Seriously. I don’t want to give up, but this medicine is draining all good things out of me.

Note to My Normal Self: Come back please! I miss you!

P.S. In writing this post, I looked up the word “Patient” (for spell-check purposes) and it came up with various synonyms: enduring, easygoing, tolerant, serene….. None of which describes me, the patient (noun), right now.  Ahh, the double entendre.