Loss

It’s been so long since I’ve written.  And I’ve wanted to write often, but kept getting distracted.  I’m particular about the way I write.  Proof-reading several times until it’s just the way I like it.  But today I feel like I just have to write…. so forgive me, in advance, for any grammatical or formatting errors.

I lost my best friend.

A couple months ago, I lost her.  She passed last month, but she was in the hospital for about a month before that.  It came all of a sudden, she just gave birth to a baby boy.  We were so excited about raising our little ones together.  They were going to be as close as we were.  She lived in another state, but were only an 8-hr drive away (1-hr plane ride).

Then, one night, I had this terrible dream.  It was just me calling her – everyday.  Picking up the phone, saying hello, then hanging up. I didn’t know why… but the next day, her fiance called me and said she had cancer. I felt like this…. “Ok. she has cancer, it can be beat. I’ll see her soon and we’ll get through it” Then everyday, I stayed in touch her fiance. Waiting patiently… then texting her everyday… “I love you” “I love you”… By then, she was not coherent. The cancer spread so rapidly.

I’m just writing the air today…. wishing she could read this.. I miss her SO much. And I’m SO angry and sad, confused, lonely, heartbroken. I can’t cry… it’s been over a month.. I want to scream like a little child with a tantrum, “give me back my friend!!!!!!!!!!” But I can’t. I want to send this post, write her a letter, email, text her and just pretend it didn’t happen. I want to be OK with just waiting the rest of my life for her to respond… instead of telling myself she can’t.  I want to tape record my brain – remembering how she sings my name…  but there isn’t technology made for that, yet… right?

Then there’s her little baby. And I worry for him. Because I’m afraid he won’t be raised to remember his mommy.  For reasons I can’t type out…. I’m SO angry about this. My friend was SO full of character and LIFE, her baby needs to know this.

This is all I can write for now. I have to go pick up my baby from daycare.