Forgiveness (Part 4)

Friends, it’s been a long week.  I don’t know why, but I have had a hard time sleeping or staying asleep.  I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and be wide-awake for almost an hour before I can get back to rest.  What is keeping me up at night?

I’ve tried meditation, stretching, writing in my journal… and nothing is helping.

So, I’ll share a little something off-topic.  Earlier this year, I had my very first mammogram.  The OBGYN warned me that, since it’s my first, they have to determine a “baseline” so they might have me come back for another follow-up.  And that’s what they did.  They called me back and I was prepared.  But as they did the second one, there was discharge and she immediately asked if I normally have discharge.  I thought it was normal!  Minutes after I left the imaging office, I got a call from the OBGYN stating they saw something and want to follow-up for a 3rd time!  I opted to wait 6 months because I rationalized it all in my head that “they’re just trying to get more of my money” “it’s nothing, I don’t feel anything unusual”.  Then COVID happened… and I totally forgot about it.  But a couple weeks ago, I noticed a mole started to develop on the same breast…and my skin started looking funny… among other weird things, so I called my OBGYN.  Friends, the first thing she said when she saw my breast was “oh that doesn’t look good”.  So, I have a appointment in a couple weeks for a 3rd mammogram/ultrasound and possible biopsy.

I am not well.

I want to cry, I want to scream.  I am very good at not sharing my feelings with others until I burst into larger-than-life emotion.  I just don’t know what to do.

Anyway, I wanted to try to finish my “series” on Forgiveness because I needed to finish what I started here, and move on.  The final question from my initial post was

“How do I forgive when I really don’t want to?”

So, COVID really puts things into perspective.  I haven’t been able to visit my parents during my usual summer vacation and probably won’t be able to see them in the fall.  But, I have been able to video-chat with them.  As we talk, I noticed my dad’s mind start to wander.  My dad was once very sharp, he is the smartest man I know.. my personal hero.  And I don’t get to spend his last years with him. Instead I have to video chat with him for minutes and then let him go.

During the last months of my marriage, I gave my then husband a list of reasons why I wanted to move back.  First, being I needed help because I was just diagnosed with Epilepsy.  Secondly, because my parents were getting older and I wanted to spend that time with them.  I asked if he could come with me.  Instead of supporting my decision (even just for a few years until my parents passed), he moved out and served me with divorce papers specifically stating that I couldn’t move out of the state.  In communication he said he liked his (new) job – which he lost or left shortly after.  He said I had several chances to move before I met him.

How would I have known I was going to be in the situation my epilepsy 10 years prior?

In my self-centered mid-twenties, how would I have known how much I’d yearn to spend my parents’ last days close to them?

So, every time I chat with my parents I feel that burning feeling within me…. my mind goes “I will NEVER forgive ______ for not being able to capture my parents’ last moments with them”.

And now, with the situation of my health, it makes my anger more relentless towards my ex.

So now…. how can I forgive someone when I don’t want to? Honestly…. I Do Not Want To.

Right now, my human nature does not want to forgive my ex because if I forgive him, in my mind it would give him a pass, a “good guy card”, for leaving me at the time I needed support the most, THEN (with the MSA) putting the restrictions on allowing my son to even live with me part-time if I chose to move closer to my parents. And if I left, I’d have to leave my son…

Right here, right now… I don’t have an answer.  I was on the right track in my last 2 posts…. but for the nature of this blog, I’m going to leave this here.  I don’t want to.

I’m not giving up on me, nor my journey to forgiveness… but today as it stands, I am not ready.  And, if any of you “divorcees” aren’t either, in my book that’s totally OK..

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