Forgiveness (Part 4)

Friends, it’s been a long week.  I don’t know why, but I have had a hard time sleeping or staying asleep.  I’ll wake up in the middle of the night and be wide-awake for almost an hour before I can get back to rest.  What is keeping me up at night?

I’ve tried meditation, stretching, writing in my journal… and nothing is helping.

So, I’ll share a little something off-topic.  Earlier this year, I had my very first mammogram.  The OBGYN warned me that, since it’s my first, they have to determine a “baseline” so they might have me come back for another follow-up.  And that’s what they did.  They called me back and I was prepared.  But as they did the second one, there was discharge and she immediately asked if I normally have discharge.  I thought it was normal!  Minutes after I left the imaging office, I got a call from the OBGYN stating they saw something and want to follow-up for a 3rd time!  I opted to wait 6 months because I rationalized it all in my head that “they’re just trying to get more of my money” “it’s nothing, I don’t feel anything unusual”.  Then COVID happened… and I totally forgot about it.  But a couple weeks ago, I noticed a mole started to develop on the same breast…and my skin started looking funny… among other weird things, so I called my OBGYN.  Friends, the first thing she said when she saw my breast was “oh that doesn’t look good”.  So, I have a appointment in a couple weeks for a 3rd mammogram/ultrasound and possible biopsy.

I am not well.

I want to cry, I want to scream.  I am very good at not sharing my feelings with others until I burst into larger-than-life emotion.  I just don’t know what to do.

Anyway, I wanted to try to finish my “series” on Forgiveness because I needed to finish what I started here, and move on.  The final question from my initial post was

“How do I forgive when I really don’t want to?”

So, COVID really puts things into perspective.  I haven’t been able to visit my parents during my usual summer vacation and probably won’t be able to see them in the fall.  But, I have been able to video-chat with them.  As we talk, I noticed my dad’s mind start to wander.  My dad was once very sharp, he is the smartest man I know.. my personal hero.  And I don’t get to spend his last years with him. Instead I have to video chat with him for minutes and then let him go.

During the last months of my marriage, I gave my then husband a list of reasons why I wanted to move back.  First, being I needed help because I was just diagnosed with Epilepsy.  Secondly, because my parents were getting older and I wanted to spend that time with them.  I asked if he could come with me.  Instead of supporting my decision (even just for a few years until my parents passed), he moved out and served me with divorce papers specifically stating that I couldn’t move out of the state.  In communication he said he liked his (new) job – which he lost or left shortly after.  He said I had several chances to move before I met him.

How would I have known I was going to be in the situation my epilepsy 10 years prior?

In my self-centered mid-twenties, how would I have known how much I’d yearn to spend my parents’ last days close to them?

So, every time I chat with my parents I feel that burning feeling within me…. my mind goes “I will NEVER forgive ______ for not being able to capture my parents’ last moments with them”.

And now, with the situation of my health, it makes my anger more relentless towards my ex.

So now…. how can I forgive someone when I don’t want to? Honestly…. I Do Not Want To.

Right now, my human nature does not want to forgive my ex because if I forgive him, in my mind it would give him a pass, a “good guy card”, for leaving me at the time I needed support the most, THEN (with the MSA) putting the restrictions on allowing my son to even live with me part-time if I chose to move closer to my parents. And if I left, I’d have to leave my son…

Right here, right now… I don’t have an answer.  I was on the right track in my last 2 posts…. but for the nature of this blog, I’m going to leave this here.  I don’t want to.

I’m not giving up on me, nor my journey to forgiveness… but today as it stands, I am not ready.  And, if any of you “divorcees” aren’t either, in my book that’s totally OK..

Closure

In the past year, I haven’t had much time to really sort out my thoughts. Perhaps I just didn’t take the time. I also noticed that my way of thinking has been jumbled lately. My sentences don’t make much sense. I’m easily angered… not angered, more aggravated. But I’m sitting here in the airport with nothing but time… and I need to write this out.

In the past year, I lost a friend… a neighbor whom I grew to adore. She was older, but my boys respected her. She tutored them. And we could confide in each other. She was an alcoholic. I took a week-long vacation. Towards the end of my vacation, she called me constantly. It annoyed me, so I didn’t pick up. Next thing I hear, she passed away from alcohol poisoning. I felt responsible for not being there at her point of desperation. I was annoyed while she tried to reach out. Sincere folks tried to tell me not to feel responsible.  But I know if I had the chance to talk to her now, she would probably tell me I should have answered the phone.  I miss her laugh.  She had an incredible laugh.  My teenagers loved her dry sense of humor.  I loved her sincere heart.

Since then, I tried to stay in contact with those around me. Priorities shifted to people first, then tasks. I visited my best friend in Atlanta. It worked out so conveniently because I often had to travel there for work. So, I got to see her regularly. She was not just a regular person. She had a big personality, so friendly and outgoing. She would tell people exactly what she thought… about anything. She didn’t sugar coat – but the way she said things, drew people towards her. She was opposite of shy, quiet me. I was proud to call her my best friend. She had some medical issues, but nothing serious. But, one day, her fiancé called to say she needed me. She was sick and recovering from surgery. That same day I flew up to surprise her. I took care of her that night and morning. We talked a little. She hugged my baby. We talked about her baby. And then I flew back home. We didn’t know that a few weeks later, she’d be gone. I told her I’d see her in a few weeks. But I didn’t. She had cancer. And the cancer spread faster than I could fly back up to see her. It’s been 5 months. And I still cry. I can’t think of a day when I don’t think of her or hear her singing my name. Or when a song comes on we used to sing in the hallways of Kennedy High School. My heart hurts as I desperately relive all our memories in my head, so I’ll never forget. Sometimes I have dreams and she’s right there. I hug her, feel her arm. And it’s like she’s really here. Then I wake up feeling revived. Then a couple days pass…. And today I’m back to missing her.

Some people never say “good bye”. They always say “see you later”. That’s what I said to my 2 friends. I told my neighbor, “See you in a week“. I told my best friend, “See you in a few weeks”. But my heart hurts I wished I could have said goodbye. I wished I could have told them how much they meant to me. I wish I could have hugged them one more time.