The Rat Race is Tiring

Hi, its been a while. And I know it seems like I only log into my blog to vent. Its my fault, really. I dont keep a diary. I have prayed & talked it out with my husband. But I still need to get it out. And where else than to my tiny, semi-anonymous circle of blogger-friends. So…. I am just here to say, the Rat Race is Tiresome. I have been at my company for 15 years. Fresh out of high school, I started as a temp. Then worked my way up, for 3 positions. Then came to a plateau. I stayed in my last position for 9 years and had to make a decision. I was offered a level-up at a different division (within the company) and a level-up within my current team.  Hesitant and afraid of change, i stayed within my team.. and boy, does it feel like a mistake. Little did I know the company was going to lay off thousands of people the week i come back from maternity leave. And they added 2 more people to our team. My hopes to move up have quickly gotten pushed back. The newbies are getting more recognition than I ever received.  And now i feel under-rated, under-paid, & under-appreciated. Some things I dont seem right, but I feel like I’d be risking my job if i say anything. I want to move up and move out. But I’ve been with this company so long.. the benefits are great. Not to mention, with my tenure, I’ve earned 4 weeks of vacation a year…. is it worth the risk to look elsewhere?  Because it’s a large corporation, should i stick it out?? All these questions. And its just so irritating.  I want more. But i feel like its not going to happen.

The thing is, I’ve never been a real extrovert. I’m a little awkward, socially. My voice sounds childish and I’m a bit petite. I have been around so long that i think its too late to reinvent myself. Honestly, i think my mentor (work sponsor) even feels like our new team addition is a better fit than me. And if I changed up now, everyone would know (or think) its an act. But something needs to change. What I’ve been doing all along is NOT working.  And i don’t want to change WHO i am. I just want to change my circumstances. But how? And which path should i take?

 

Im going to keep this one post as my “work vent”. This post will change and grow over time…. and hopefully be deleted one day…  

How Do You Relax????? And Other Ponderings of IVF

So, this is the WEEK!!!! Yipee! We’ve waited so long for this opportunity and it’s finally here. In Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

So, for those unfamiliar with IVF, here is the gist of what I’ve learned so far:

(Disclaimer: I am not medically certified in any matter…. like I said… planning IVF is like Planning a Wedding, so everyone will have their own set of protocol).

You might have to take birth control for about a month before the actual cycle… I took the full 21-packet with yesterday being my last day on “the pill” (gee, it’s been YEARS since I’ve said that).  On Wednesday, I go in for a sonogram to see if everything looks good in there, and then I start my injections on Friday!  Since we’re doing ICSI, then “freeze all”, then frozen embryo transfer (FET), our IVF process will take 2 cycles.  It’s a little easier on the body, I’ve been told.  Because it will allow your body to refresh after you’ve produced so many eggs.  But of all the information I’ve been given, the resounding piece of advice is “you need to let go of the stress”… stress… stress…stress (*echo*). Really? Any woman (going through fertility treatments, or not) has a ton of hats on already! To me – it’s just another “hat” to wear in trying to be stress-free!

Ahhhh **deep breath** that being said…. This week is a crazy one…. why?  Not only because of these exciting new ventures into IVF.  But on Wed morning I go to my sonogram, then catch a plane to Key West that afternoon, for a business meeting that will last till Friday. Then catch a plane back home on Friday, then have my first injection…. oh yeah, and it’s Valentine’s day.  Did you have to read that twice? I did…. this week is busy.  It’s “good-busy”, as I like to say.  Lots of fun ahead… but I like to unwind by being alone in a quiet place to gather my thoughts.  The BIG struggle here is how do you trick your body into saying it’s relaxing while you’re always on the go?  What do you do to balance faith/home/life/career…. and preparation for an upcoming procedure that requires you to relax?

Glitches

The thing about glitches is that they push you back farther, and the more glitches, the farther back you go….  For this reason, this post has been saved in the ‘Drafts’ folder for a week.

I’m good at a lot of things: Organizing, Shopping, Party-Planning… but I am terrible, pitiful when it comes to dealing with change.  My reaction always goes like this:

Step 1: I receive news of change. Fight or flight…. Fight! I’m ready, bring it on!

Step 2: I prepare. I have my to-do lists ready, new processes in place

Step 3: Oh my goodness, this is not how I thought it would be! I want out NOW!

Step 3 (Cont’d): <<BSHHHHHHH>> (This is where the connection cuts off, usually followed by short flashes of consciousness)

Step 4: Ok, I got myself into this mess, I need to deal with it.

Step 5: Put new processes into place, re-work my To-Do list

Step 6: All is back in order, once again.

This reaction is not exclusive to bad news…. I begged and begged for a kitten last year (to keep my then 6-year-old cat company). And when hubby finally gave in, he brought home TWO.

Step 1: YAYYYY How Cute and Cuddly!
Step 2: Off to the store to get all their necessities.. litter, kitten food etc. Still excited!
Step 3: Hold on, they keep jumping on the counters, oh no they’re tearing up the the speakers! Vet bill costs what?!?
Step 4: Hmm..Let’s ‘google’ how to train kittens. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?
Step 5: They stopped jumping on the couch, this is a good start
Step 6: Ok, I think I handle this, we can keep them!

Now that I’ve detailed my reaction to change, I hope you can understand why I haven’t been online in a few weeks when I explain that a month ago, our assistant quit.  Which was traumatizing to us because (a) we LOVED her, she was awesome from day one … and… (b) the day she gave her notice was her last day.  To look at it objectively, she got an amazing offer with the state so I can’t be mad at her…. but REALLY??  There was Zero preparation time.  Then a couple weeks ago, our boss took a personal leave.  In her case, she gave us a few days notice but STILL, not enough time to prepare! On top of that, my cell phone died!

I’ve had about a week to recoup from the catastrophe of November and am EXCITEDLY looking forward to a few days of fun and (hopefully) relaxing vacation.  Hope everyone in the blog-world enjoys the upcoming week and holiday! 🙂

The Talk

Well, I today I will have ‘the talk’ with…. my boss.  The talk, about the ‘birds and bees’, you ask?  Why yes, the Birds, the Bees, the appointments, the needles, the medications, the 4 days I’ll be requesting off (depending on the day I ovulate).. yep.. The Talk.

As I’ve mentioned before, this month is our first round of Modified Natural IVF.  We chose this route because, though we have IVF insurance coverage, after the amount of money already spent towards infertility, the remainder would not cover Traditional IVF.  And so, since it is the “Modified Natural” option, the process solely depends on when (or even if) I ovulate.
Anyway, back to the topic, I am planning to have this dreaded talk with my boss.  Of course any working woman could relate to my anxiety, right? It’s so taboo to speak of pregnancy, even the thought of having a baby when, not even a month ago, we were talking about ‘next steps’ in my career!   And though I trust her and believe we have a great working relationship, the “it’s not personal, just business” side of working in the Corporate World makes me cringe at the repercussions that might come if, say, the first round doesn’t work.. Where do we go from there?  Will there be subsequent months of un-scheduled days off?  If we end up not being able to conceive, will the little bug in her ear cause her to think I am not capable of focusing on my career?
Here’s to hoping this goes well!