Forgiveness (Part 2)

I have been doing a lot of self-work since my divorce.  It’s been almost 2 years and by now, you’d think I’d be over it, right?  At least that is what I expected of myself.  I’ve always considered myself strong & resilient….

 

Tattoo

My tattoo showing the word “Lakas” meaning Strength in Filipino (Tagalog).

You know the phrase, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”?

I remember early after my divorce, I would sit in the dark, crying to God…. “I’m not that strong!” “You test the strong ones, I’m not the one!”  And I would lay there, weeping, pleading for the pain to stop….

Not only did my husband leave me.  He barred me from living close to the support I needed. (here is my past post when I was diagnosed with epilepsy and unable to drive). 

But, as I started to live with the pain and carry-on with the pain… the pain became my strength and my reason for many decisions.  Some terrible decisions, but also some great decisions (more on that later).

Now back to my previous post on forgiveness…. why am I even pushing myself through this process?  Well, a new man has come into my life.  He is incredible.  I don’t know where this relationship will go or how long it will last, but I am SO happy with him.  Currently, I feel like I still have a wall up…. and I’ve learned that wall was built by the pain and hurt of my divorce.

How do I let go of the pain?

This channel and video by Master Sri Akarshana was perfect for me about Letting Go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCcX2IDoIjU

I’ve watched videos, listened to podcasts, read books, prayed, meditated ….. anything and everything to find an answer…. and many sources point to “forgiveness”

In my previous post, I mentioned 3 questions I wrote in my journal about forgiveness… the first one was: How do I forgive someone who is not sorry?

So, I took a week to think about this….. as a parent, when one brother got hurt by the other, I would sit down and go, “ok son, say you’re sorry”… the culprit would huff and puff then say “I’m sorry” under his breath…. then it would take twice as much effort for the hurt one to say “I forgive you”.  Sometimes I would have to sternly instruct my son, “say, ‘I forgive you’!”  Because I knew in my head that if you say out loud “I forgive you” the heart would somehow start that process…..  In that very real example, we already knew the “offender” may not have been sorry at all but was merely instructed to say “I’m sorry”…. so whether he said it or not wasn’t the point…. my goal as a parent, was to get the hurt son to forgive so he can move on (with or without his brother) and get back to having a good day.

Now, I am neither a boy nor a child.  I’m a 40-ish year-old woman with baggage, who is a Cancer.  And I’m a highly emotional being.

My ex-husband did say he was sorry…. “sorry it didn’t work out” (insert eye-roll here).  To me, that was not the sorry I needed.  I wanted him to say sorry for what he put me through.  Sorry that he took away the future I thought we would have together  ……OR, maybe the “sorry” I wanted was not really that… what my heart wanted was “I wanted us to work out” “I really did love you”…

And, let’s say, if he even did offer those words, what would it have lead to?  A conversation, an understanding, maybe my heart would open again, definitely the hurt would open… and the agonizing cycle would continue…

So, how do I forgive someone who is not sorry?  OR, better yet….. did not say the sorry that I wanted?

I feel like sorry isn’t what is needed anymore.  Like I said in my example as a parent, whether he said sorry or not is not the point…. I need to forgive so I can go on and live my life.  Maybe….. open my heart back up (carefully) so I can REALLY appreciate the amazing guy that WAS brought into my life.  Who’s birthday, by the way, is today 🙂

 

When It’s Not You…. He’s Still Your Better Half

I’ve been sitting on this post for quite some time… since December, actually. I’ve thought about how to word it, because I am sensitive to my audience. A lot of US are dealing with different stages and issues of infertility. Now (in February), I’m a little past “numb”, stepping into “giving up” and ready to “move on”.

But first, I want to talk seriously about dealing with your spouse’s infertility.  From conversation, I hear a lot about the 1st person point of view towards infertility.  As a spouse who is married to someone dealing with infertility, I felt I should write a little from my point of view.

Going into a marriage some (especially the young at heart) might have expectations right off the bat: double-income, buy a house, have a child or two.  Often there’s a timeline.. like a 5-year-plan of some sort.  In reality, it might be a 10 to 15-year plan with some bumps and forks in the road.

In the past year, I was seeing the fertility specialist several times a month! I would go in for procedures and, every 3 months, there was a ‘next level up’ in the plan. Though chances should have been better with each level, the only thing that increased was the medical bill. I sat down and talked with the specialist. What could it be? I’ve had prior pregnancies, no complications. Then she discussed my spouse’s ‘levels and counts’. When I found out about his infertility, I deliberated on how to tell him. I didn’t want him to read into any unintended tone in my voice. I never want to be degrading or insensitive. I suggested alternative medicine and used subtle hints instead.

I once read a funny Facebook Post listing points about how men think: “Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!” ~M.R.

It is true, he didn’t get the hint. By the time I finally got it out, it was in frustration. The tone came out, it was not how I intended to say it! “You’re not even trying,” I complained! “Do you even want a baby,” I pleaded. Because of what he’s already been through, I set myself to protect him. In turn, I lashed out in frustration.  ‘Perhaps it’s something that will fix itself in time,’ I thought to myself.

If I could say one thing about the situation: I don’t blame him, I don’t blame anyone.. but I’m still disappointed. I’m sad.  I’m hurt.  And if I didn’t allow myself to feel this way, separately from my husband – I believe it would have affected my marriage.

When I met my (now) husband, I was drawn to his character.  I thought about the fun we would have, our experiences together.  For a mere blip (a year or so, out of a lifetime) I dreamed of a child we could share.  But, there is more out there I look forward to.  I love him to pieces, then I’d put him back together and love him to pieces again 😉

The Voice Muffler

Taken from Wikipedia – Snydley Whiplash, the Villain

Yesterday my son asked me if he could go to a football game, after I said no, he asked me if he could go “blah, blah, blah, blah, blah“…. After I finished paying the bills, I spent an hour calling his cell and looking around the neighborhood for him.  Then he came home and told me he went to his friend’s house in which it all came back to memory.

A few days ago, my husband told me that, “tomorrow, I’m going to wah, wah, wah,wah, wah.” (that’s my Snoopy voice) After I finished cooking, we sat down and had a nice dinner.  The next day he calls me at work and said, “it went pretty well.” And I quickly realized he had a job interview that morning.

Last week, my coworker told me she was, “at la, dee, dah, dee, dah.” I finally finished my reporting and, later on that day, walked down the hall to visit her.  She was not there.  I realized she was at the other office.

I need help! It’s an epidemic!! The Voice Muffler is on the prowl… He STRIKES my friends and family at any given moment… He DISTRACTS me with a major project and I am unable to save my loved ones from his villainous Muffling capabilities.  When I finally free myself of work, my dear family members are left to re-tell their once muffled stories.

Yes, I need help. Perhaps if I free myself of these projects, or take a second to look up while they’re talking, I can catch that vicious Voice Muffler before he strikes again!  We all have the power of Focus… and it penetrates the Muffler like no other…. So if any of you sees this dirty villain, use your powerful Focus quickly before he strikes your family too!