Just a Miracle

Ever have one of those days when, if anything goes right, it would be a miracle from God?

That day is today. I received a phone call last night, shortly after typing my last post, appropriately named, “How Do You Relax??”

I gladly answered the call from Freedom Pharmacy, excited to get my injections started!  Minor detail…. after speaking with my insurance, they informed me that I needed to pay the full amount of my deductible (and then some) and they needed the payment in FULL before they can ship my meds! How was I going to get $3,000 in 3 days? For some, that may be pocket change… for me: a working-class, paycheck-to-paycheck, trying-to-get-by gal… that’s a lot of money!

My husband kept telling me that it’s nothing to stress about, that we’re in it together, and to listen to this song: It’s Working, by William Murphy (which I now have on repeat). And I said, if anything good happens today, it will be a miracle from God.

And guess what…. we were blessed by God.  We received a miracle from God.  Today, less than 24 hours after the dreaded phone call (2 days before the payment due date), we were able to pay for the meds in FULL! I’m entirely grateful to God, our Provider.

I’m far from perfect and my struggle with infertility has been the biggest hurdle, yet, in my faith. But, there is a true living God who loves me despite it all.  And He loves YOU too!

My Desire

Well, we are coming to the final few weeks of a splendid break from “trying”.  Our break started in September, just as we planned to start our first round of Natural IVF.  The decision to take a break was not easy, as our (or MY) focus through the year has been on baby.  You name it, we tried it: different positions, every-other-day sex during ovulation, IUI, shots, pills, acupuncture, Chinese herbal tea, deep massage, “relaxing”…… You Name It!  And, no, not even the “break” produced the little miracle we had hoped for!  To tell you the truth, I quietly welcomed the intermission and since then I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on our situation.

Through this blog, I’ve “met” quite a few dears who have been through the in’s and out’s of infertility.  I’ve read about some beautiful miracles as well! But then there are a few of us who know the pain, the heartache, the fear, and the cringes we hold within our being to look happy and keep that persona others knew before our baby-trying days.  And though the new year is just around the corner, I can’t help but be a little hesitant to put myself through that again.

I am on the fence.

Oh, my desire to embrace one little miracle, who might possibly have all of my husband’s wonderful qualities and not have all my crazy quirks.  That desire is as great as it has been.. and if I allow it, even for one bit, it will be as overwhelming as if we never stopped trying.

Where do we go from here?

I have heard that wise person knows how to say “I don’t know”.  I don’t know.  All I can say is I am a Christian… and I hold some verses in my heart.  For others, it may be the desire itself, or the financial capability, etc.  For me, it’s a few stories and words of encouragement from a book written a couple thousand years ago…I can say that this is all I have to hold on to at this point.. and if not for my faith, I would definitely give up!

Pink

Today was a painful day for me.  Call it PMS (maybe, and hopefully not), I’m just an emotional wreck.  I saw Pink.  Not pretty pink, but pink that screams “your month is over!!”  This kind of pink that taunts me every month and steals away the hope I so cautiously gathered only a few weeks before.  Me and Pink don’t get along.  We’ve become very acquainted over the past 3 years.  For some reason, Red isn’t so condescending.. but Pink teases me as one is never sure if it means our hopes and dreams are about to come true.. or that we must wait a few more days to start the cruel cycle all over again.

The anxiety of Modified Natural IVF is creeping up on me.  I am more scared of this ‘next step’ as the time gets closer and closer.  This past month has been a ‘au naturale’ cycle.  We BD’d like crazy this month (sorry TMI)… but we thought maybe doing it naturally would work, as many advisors (online and in person) have sincerely said.  Miracles happen, right?

The way Modified Natural IVF works is that it uses the eggs I produce naturally (with the help of Femara).  And my fear is that though I’ve read that ladies may produce 1-3 eggs with the help of Femara, I’ve also heard/read that not all eggs get fertilized.  I’ve shared before that my insurance covers infertility to a point.  But after that point, we’re on our own.  And just the Natural IVF will cost a pretty penny on its own.  I feel like if this doesn’t work, it will be our last hope.  Because Traditional IVF will cost at least $14,000 out of pocket, we won’t be able to take that route until we get some bills paid.  And, on Friday, I found out my husband was laid off from his job.

At this point, I don’t want to believe that God might be giving us a definitive “no” but I need to prepare my heart for the worst case scenario.  Is there hope out there? I see happy news all the time, successful IVF stories.. but I know my God gives us the final answer.. this is truly a test of my faith and I am determined to get an “A”   -Regardless of the answer.