Forgiveness (Part 1)

Since the separation, I did a LOT of soul searching.

Let me step back a bit…. while we were married, I became pretty numb.  The hurt of miscommunication, feeling of defeat, feeling of worthlessness started to beat down on me to the point where I stopped feeling all together.  It got to the point where I couldn’t even cry when the inside of my face felt like it was going to explode with tears (has anyone else had that feeling?).    Something happened after he left…. every night I would sit in the dark, in silence.  Sometimes I would light a candle or play soft music.  But, I would just sit and wait till an emotion, any emotion, came out.  Sometimes it was anger – REALLY deep-rooted anger.  Sometimes it was sadness, fear, resentment, trauma…. But, it always started with hurt.  My entire presence hurt when we separated.

I’m sure anyone who has gone through a divorce, separation, or any loss can relate

I felt like my soul was dying.

Then shortly after he left, the week prior to Mother’s Day, I was served with divorce papers.

Once again, the numbness came.  I couldn’t allow myself to feel.  I needed to keep my guard up to get through it.  And as months passed, I kept myself going – not feeling – just existing.  (I’m not going to share the details now, but I also got pregnant. I made a decision I am completely responsible for – the day after our mediation).

I remained numb and had a few “fun” relationships.  But several months ago, I met someone incredible.  When I mean incredible, I mean perfect for me.  If there was anyone I could ask for, He. Is. It.  But, still part of me has kept a wall up.  I went into it ready for only a casual relationship. Everything is pointing to him being perfect, and I do care for him SO much… but what is blocking me from reciprocating the same feelings?

In reflection, it feels as if I am treating him the way my ex treated me.  And he really doesn’t deserve that..

Now, to the point of this blog entry….. while reading and studying on relationships, I have learned that in order to make way for something amazing, you have to let go.  And after much soul-searching I have learned that deep down inside, there is still a part of me that yearns for my ex-husband to love me.  But, the catcher is… It’s not him.  It’s because he didn’t love me, my heart feels like I’ll never be loved.  In order to make way for someone amazing, I need to let go of the pain or loss I felt with my ex-husband.

So, this is where forgiveness kicks in.  To let go of a certain source of pain, forgiveness is key.  A few days ago I wrote 3 things in my journal:

  • How do I forgive someone who is not sorry?
  • How do I know if it’s a person or circumstance (or even multiple people) I need to forgive?
  • How do I forgive when I really don’t want to?

So, that’s what I am working through now.  That last question was the truth…. how do I forgive when I don’t want to?  ……He hurt me to the core, doesn’t it feel good to walk around knowing I did everything I knew what was right to do and he was the one who hurt me?  Doesn’t it??  The answer is no.  Time to move on….

1 1/2 Years Post-Divorce

It’s been 1 1/2 years since my divorce.  2-3 years post separation.  We separated, reunited, then separated ending in divorce.

So, I know I started this blog during a troubling time dealing with TTC.  This blog was really a safe-place for me to express some of my deepest emotions with an intimate group of anonymous people.  However, I’ve made a few online friends along the way…

I took a break from blogging, changed my ID/website and disconnected.  So, I’m assuming a lot of followers have unfollowed.  And those who knew me as “1Suburbanchic” then, won’t be able to find me now.

I’m opening myself back up for the following reasons: (1) hopefully to be able to express myself freely with like-minded people (2) follow others with similar situations, and (3) start this new chapter in growth and move on.

 

I already knew my marriage was doomed from the beginning.  We didn’t build it on a strong foundation.  More along the lines of a promise that was ultimately not kept.

Not long after my beautiful babe was born, my best friend passed away.  A part of me died along with her.

I want to start by saying, I started out loving my ex-husband with my entire heart.  I gave everything I had into my marriage.  I had so much hope in our relationship.  It wasn’t perfect, neither of us were.  Our story was certainly not a fairy-tale.  But, I knew, just KNEW… if I put in the work and stayed focused we could accomplish anything ‘Til Death Do Us Part!  I would have never gotten into a marriage, prayed for a baby, taken on IVF for a man I didn’t love entirely.

Here are some things I LOVED about being married:

  • I had someone to share some important moments in my life.
  • I was “Mrs. ___” I felt extremely proud being “Mrs. ___”.
  • While I was frantic, his personality brought me down to a state of calmness.

Then some things fell apart:

  • I was alone in much of my struggles.
  • I started to realize he wasn’t proud of being a “Mr. ___”
  • I realized I was so focused on wanting him to love me that, along the way, I lost myself.

As time passed and truths were exposed, love turned into pain and then it all became numb.  I became sick with Lupus and Epilepsy.  The support I thought I could have in my husband was dwindling and I no longer had my best friend close by…. and my family was (is) across the country.

I actually got pregnant (on birth control) not long after my separation…. it was THE hardest decision of my life (if you’ve followed my previous post, you would know it was not my first).

Then I spent a year to myself.  So, here I am.  I plan to share my healing here… what I have done, what I am doing…. and grow from here..

Following this post, I want to start with forgiveness.