Super Sonics Dancer Dreams

What are your dreams??

I’ve recently had a conversation with my 14-year old son… what do you want to be when you grow up?  His answer: a football player or music producer.  My first thought was, he’s getting too old to be “dreaming” .  What came out of my mouth was, “what is your ‘Plan B’?”

Now, what an awful thing to say, isn’t it?  “What is your Plan B??”  What a tarnished, grown-up, lousy response to a young, fresh-minded dreamer!

After all, I’ve had some pretty cool dreams in my school years..  In Elementary School, I remember watching my big sister with her High School Dance Team.  They were SO cool, with their big hair and sequined outfits dancing to Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation.  My best friend and I watched in admiration and plotted to be Dance Team Captains when we got into high school!  And we did…..  It was awesome!  WE had our own dance moves, our own style, outfits, and higher dreams to be Super Sonic Dancers!

In my Junior Year, I was all set for college.  I wanted to study Engineering (like my Dad).  Excited for my future, I had pretty good grades and was active in the community. And I was getting ready to start applying for scholarships…

Then, the summer going into my Senior Year, everything happened so quickly.  I reconnected with my first “crush” – in an October flurry, I found out I was pregnant. One thing after another, after another, and after another… dreams started turning into goals, goals started turning into to-do lists, to-do lists started turning into tasks… and tasks started turning into responsibilities…. know what I mean?

Now, 16 years later, obviously, I’m not a Super Sonics Dancer (here’s to hoping we get our team back, someday!) and I’m not an Engineer…. However, I did manage to put myself through college. I have a decent job, nice little home, family, and pets.  But, that vision and anticipation for what the future may hold has singed by … what can I say…. “LIFE”!

Graduation 2004 (Just Me and My Boys)

Graduation 2004 (Just Me and My Boys)

Will my son make big mistakes?  Will he have huge hurdles in obtaining his dreams?  No doubt, YES.  But, he’ll at least have the chances I never had to, at least, try.  Why let the obstacles I’ve encountered – though my own faulty decisions – affect my view of my children’s future?  It shouldn’t.

So, here’s to joining my son in his dream to become a football player, a music producer.. a TV star, a drummer, a break dancer (do they still have those?) whatever he wants to do!

And as for my own dreams… I am choosing right now to re-evaluate my vision.  Forget about that 5-year-plan! I just want to dream.. My dancing days are over, folks… no Orlando Magic Girl left in me… but, perhaps, instead of being a dancer, I can start that business I’ve always wanted.  Or own that “that’s my car” type of car, I’ve had my eye on.  Who cares what stage of life we’re in… we NEED to dream.  We need the anticipation of what the future holds..  and it’s there for all of us…  What do you want to be when you “grow up”? 

Pink

Today was a painful day for me.  Call it PMS (maybe, and hopefully not), I’m just an emotional wreck.  I saw Pink.  Not pretty pink, but pink that screams “your month is over!!”  This kind of pink that taunts me every month and steals away the hope I so cautiously gathered only a few weeks before.  Me and Pink don’t get along.  We’ve become very acquainted over the past 3 years.  For some reason, Red isn’t so condescending.. but Pink teases me as one is never sure if it means our hopes and dreams are about to come true.. or that we must wait a few more days to start the cruel cycle all over again.

The anxiety of Modified Natural IVF is creeping up on me.  I am more scared of this ‘next step’ as the time gets closer and closer.  This past month has been a ‘au naturale’ cycle.  We BD’d like crazy this month (sorry TMI)… but we thought maybe doing it naturally would work, as many advisors (online and in person) have sincerely said.  Miracles happen, right?

The way Modified Natural IVF works is that it uses the eggs I produce naturally (with the help of Femara).  And my fear is that though I’ve read that ladies may produce 1-3 eggs with the help of Femara, I’ve also heard/read that not all eggs get fertilized.  I’ve shared before that my insurance covers infertility to a point.  But after that point, we’re on our own.  And just the Natural IVF will cost a pretty penny on its own.  I feel like if this doesn’t work, it will be our last hope.  Because Traditional IVF will cost at least $14,000 out of pocket, we won’t be able to take that route until we get some bills paid.  And, on Friday, I found out my husband was laid off from his job.

At this point, I don’t want to believe that God might be giving us a definitive “no” but I need to prepare my heart for the worst case scenario.  Is there hope out there? I see happy news all the time, successful IVF stories.. but I know my God gives us the final answer.. this is truly a test of my faith and I am determined to get an “A”   -Regardless of the answer.