To My 3 Year Old

As I look at you with your eyes as big as the stars

And your smile that makes all the clouds disappear

I want you to know how much I love you.. Now

Because as you grow older there will be days

When you cry when I say “no” to that candy bar

When you will stomp out of the room when I say “you need to study first”

When you hate me when I say “that’s not a safe decision” or “that person isn’t being a good friend”

Other people might want to take my place

And tell you they are more fun

And offer to say yes to everything you ask for

And maybe tell you not to listen to me

That will make me sad.

It will make me hurt, and frustrated.

But I want you to know – now – while you still love me… that I love you.

And I have, and will continue to do my very best for you, no matter what.

I’ll Love You Forever

Ill Love You ForeverI was 17 and pregnant with my eldest son. Yep, I was a baby having a baby.  While I was pregnant, my ex-husband’s mother gave him this book, “I’ll Love You Forever.” Partly for her son, and partly for our new little one.  Back then, I was so bitter and emotionally bruised by my own upbringing that I didn’t quite understand the meaning of this book.  But, last week, my own son turned 17. 

Lord, oh, how the time has passed.

A couple nights ago, I could not sleep.  Thoughts ran through my mind about my 2 teenage boys:

Did I do a good job?

Did I do enough?

Did I give them enough?

Do they feel loved?

Do they know how much I love them?

Wishes…. Regrets…. Fears…

I wish I could give them more…

I wished I hadn’t made some of the decisions I made..

I hope they won’t have to struggle the way I did….

I hope they’ll always know I tried, even when I felt it was impossible. 

I hope they know I always tried to give them what I thought was best, sadly seeing sometimes it didn’t turn out that way.

I’m not even sure if these questions will ever be answered – or if I’d even want to know! But, as my eldest approaches his Junior year of high school, I’ll continue to reflect… I will undoubtedly love them forever….