The Big Scare (1st Trimester)

If you’re someone like me who’s been TTC (Trying to Conceive) for years (or even months), you know the desperate feeling of wanting that positive… Just one.  I got that positive a few weeks ago but having tried for so long, I still had my guard up.  I tested almost every morning and took a peek whenever I “went” to make sure there wasn’t any blood..

Yesterday I missed a morning dose of Crinone (progesterone).  I took it as soon as I got home from work (around 5pm) then took my regular 8pm dose.   I thought I was in the clear.

But, on my way to work this morning I felt that all too familiar feeling – the gush.  I got to work and there was no stopping it.  My pants were soaked.  2 large clots came out.  One was gunky white (looking back, I think it was the Crinone build up).  I was devastated.  I sat in my office bathroom for about 30 minutes crying to my nurse.  Then crying to my husband.  Finally calling my coworker to save me from humiliation.  She drove me home where I laid in bed as instructed.

My husband met me at home and we just sat there for 5 hours staring at the clock.. tick & tock….

I could still feel cramping off and on (like contractions).  I kept drinking water and waited till our 2pm appointment.  I started clearing out The Bump & What To Expect update emails from my inbox.  I started to uninstall the Pregnancy app from my phone. The contractions slowed and the bleeding turned to spotting.

We left for our appointment.  As we were driving, I kept praying that our doctor would be kind, sincere, & gentle when sharing the dreaded news.  I was relieved to see the lobby was empty when we got there.  I couldn’t break down in front of other hopeful-mom-patients.  The nurse called us back and I started sobbing, I couldn’t stop.  I sobbed while I told her what was going on, I cried when I undressed, I bawled when I laid on the cold bed.  The doctor came in and immediately said the nurse filled him in on my story.  He started the sonogram and immediately panned towards a little moving dot… a heartbeat.  A healthy 6-week-3-day-old growing baby with a heartbeat! (There was a small section of the sack that looked like it was separating – so the doctor doubled my progesterone)

I looked over and noticed my husband with a tear in his eye – the first time I’ve EVER seen him cry.

So, here we are:  On bed rest.  Light activity, limited to carrying 5lbs or less.  But we are still having a baby!

10289889_10152431231074679_4489361788655038711_nTHANKING GOD EVERY MINUTE!!!

Life Postponed

How do I say this without breaking down in tears… For a lot of reasons, we have postponed our IVF indefinitely.  And perhaps its for good reason.  Maybe, just maybe it will happen next year.  But this year has not been our year.  Do you ever have a Season where everything just goes wrong?  Where you feel like you have nothing while everyone around you has everything??  This is our family.  But this hasn’t always been the case.  For 2010-2011, we had nothing but great news: Our engagement, my college graduation, my son’s 8th grade graduation, our wedding.  Not to mention endless vacations.. etc.  Thinking back, I may have been insensitive to others going through difficult times as we flaunted out announcements here and there.

But, this year, we definitely felt the dark side of the grass.  Doing everything possible to sell our condo/buy a house.  All doors seem like they have shut in our face.  Even in trying to refinance our condo, the difference in payments weren’t worth the trouble. Then we needed a new central air conditioner, then my husband lost his job… then….. well, you know the baby story.

So, due to circumstance, and with LOTS of consideration, we have decided to put off the IVF cycle and the baby making.. to recoup and regroup. Rehash and retrace our steps… and start life over next year.

Yesterday, during an appointment with my Chinese Medicine Doctor I broke down, it may be due to the technique she was using as she beat my shoulder with a stick till blisters surfaced.  But, nevertheless, I broke down in tears.  She knew how stressed I have been and she quietly said, “say, Jesus help me.”  And she kept saying that.  In the half hour I was there, she sat quietly and let me cry and when I wanted to hold it in she said to just let it out.  She prayed and cried with me.  And I just knew I was in the right place at the right time.

With all that being said, I will wait anxiously till next year because I have a feeling there is no other way to go but Up.

Pink

Today was a painful day for me.  Call it PMS (maybe, and hopefully not), I’m just an emotional wreck.  I saw Pink.  Not pretty pink, but pink that screams “your month is over!!”  This kind of pink that taunts me every month and steals away the hope I so cautiously gathered only a few weeks before.  Me and Pink don’t get along.  We’ve become very acquainted over the past 3 years.  For some reason, Red isn’t so condescending.. but Pink teases me as one is never sure if it means our hopes and dreams are about to come true.. or that we must wait a few more days to start the cruel cycle all over again.

The anxiety of Modified Natural IVF is creeping up on me.  I am more scared of this ‘next step’ as the time gets closer and closer.  This past month has been a ‘au naturale’ cycle.  We BD’d like crazy this month (sorry TMI)… but we thought maybe doing it naturally would work, as many advisors (online and in person) have sincerely said.  Miracles happen, right?

The way Modified Natural IVF works is that it uses the eggs I produce naturally (with the help of Femara).  And my fear is that though I’ve read that ladies may produce 1-3 eggs with the help of Femara, I’ve also heard/read that not all eggs get fertilized.  I’ve shared before that my insurance covers infertility to a point.  But after that point, we’re on our own.  And just the Natural IVF will cost a pretty penny on its own.  I feel like if this doesn’t work, it will be our last hope.  Because Traditional IVF will cost at least $14,000 out of pocket, we won’t be able to take that route until we get some bills paid.  And, on Friday, I found out my husband was laid off from his job.

At this point, I don’t want to believe that God might be giving us a definitive “no” but I need to prepare my heart for the worst case scenario.  Is there hope out there? I see happy news all the time, successful IVF stories.. but I know my God gives us the final answer.. this is truly a test of my faith and I am determined to get an “A”   -Regardless of the answer.