It’s been 1 1/2 years since my divorce. 2-3 years post separation. We separated, reunited, then separated ending in divorce.
So, I know I started this blog during a troubling time dealing with TTC. This blog was really a safe-place for me to express some of my deepest emotions with an intimate group of anonymous people. However, I’ve made a few online friends along the way…
I took a break from blogging, changed my ID/website and disconnected. So, I’m assuming a lot of followers have unfollowed. And those who knew me as “1Suburbanchic” then, won’t be able to find me now.
I’m opening myself back up for the following reasons: (1) hopefully to be able to express myself freely with like-minded people (2) follow others with similar situations, and (3) start this new chapter in growth and move on.
I already knew my marriage was doomed from the beginning. We didn’t build it on a strong foundation. More along the lines of a promise that was ultimately not kept.
Not long after my beautiful babe was born, my best friend passed away. A part of me died along with her.
I want to start by saying, I started out loving my ex-husband with my entire heart. I gave everything I had into my marriage. I had so much hope in our relationship. It wasn’t perfect, neither of us were. Our story was certainly not a fairy-tale. But, I knew, just KNEW… if I put in the work and stayed focused we could accomplish anything ‘Til Death Do Us Part! I would have never gotten into a marriage, prayed for a baby, taken on IVF for a man I didn’t love entirely.
Here are some things I LOVED about being married:
- I had someone to share some important moments in my life.
- I was “Mrs. ___” I felt extremely proud being “Mrs. ___”.
- While I was frantic, his personality brought me down to a state of calmness.
Then some things fell apart:
- I was alone in much of my struggles.
- I started to realize he wasn’t proud of being a “Mr. ___”
- I realized I was so focused on wanting him to love me that, along the way, I lost myself.
As time passed and truths were exposed, love turned into pain and then it all became numb. I became sick with Lupus and Epilepsy. The support I thought I could have in my husband was dwindling and I no longer had my best friend close by…. and my family was (is) across the country.
I actually got pregnant (on birth control) not long after my separation…. it was THE hardest decision of my life (if you’ve followed my previous post, you would know it was not my first).
Then I spent a year to myself. So, here I am. I plan to share my healing here… what I have done, what I am doing…. and grow from here..
Following this post, I want to start with forgiveness.