Forgiveness (Part 2)

I have been doing a lot of self-work since my divorce.  It’s been almost 2 years and by now, you’d think I’d be over it, right?  At least that is what I expected of myself.  I’ve always considered myself strong & resilient….

 

Tattoo

My tattoo showing the word “Lakas” meaning Strength in Filipino (Tagalog).

You know the phrase, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”?

I remember early after my divorce, I would sit in the dark, crying to God…. “I’m not that strong!” “You test the strong ones, I’m not the one!”  And I would lay there, weeping, pleading for the pain to stop….

Not only did my husband leave me.  He barred me from living close to the support I needed. (here is my past post when I was diagnosed with epilepsy and unable to drive). 

But, as I started to live with the pain and carry-on with the pain… the pain became my strength and my reason for many decisions.  Some terrible decisions, but also some great decisions (more on that later).

Now back to my previous post on forgiveness…. why am I even pushing myself through this process?  Well, a new man has come into my life.  He is incredible.  I don’t know where this relationship will go or how long it will last, but I am SO happy with him.  Currently, I feel like I still have a wall up…. and I’ve learned that wall was built by the pain and hurt of my divorce.

How do I let go of the pain?

This channel and video by Master Sri Akarshana was perfect for me about Letting Go

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCcX2IDoIjU

I’ve watched videos, listened to podcasts, read books, prayed, meditated ….. anything and everything to find an answer…. and many sources point to “forgiveness”

In my previous post, I mentioned 3 questions I wrote in my journal about forgiveness… the first one was: How do I forgive someone who is not sorry?

So, I took a week to think about this….. as a parent, when one brother got hurt by the other, I would sit down and go, “ok son, say you’re sorry”… the culprit would huff and puff then say “I’m sorry” under his breath…. then it would take twice as much effort for the hurt one to say “I forgive you”.  Sometimes I would have to sternly instruct my son, “say, ‘I forgive you’!”  Because I knew in my head that if you say out loud “I forgive you” the heart would somehow start that process…..  In that very real example, we already knew the “offender” may not have been sorry at all but was merely instructed to say “I’m sorry”…. so whether he said it or not wasn’t the point…. my goal as a parent, was to get the hurt son to forgive so he can move on (with or without his brother) and get back to having a good day.

Now, I am neither a boy nor a child.  I’m a 40-ish year-old woman with baggage, who is a Cancer.  And I’m a highly emotional being.

My ex-husband did say he was sorry…. “sorry it didn’t work out” (insert eye-roll here).  To me, that was not the sorry I needed.  I wanted him to say sorry for what he put me through.  Sorry that he took away the future I thought we would have together  ……OR, maybe the “sorry” I wanted was not really that… what my heart wanted was “I wanted us to work out” “I really did love you”…

And, let’s say, if he even did offer those words, what would it have lead to?  A conversation, an understanding, maybe my heart would open again, definitely the hurt would open… and the agonizing cycle would continue…

So, how do I forgive someone who is not sorry?  OR, better yet….. did not say the sorry that I wanted?

I feel like sorry isn’t what is needed anymore.  Like I said in my example as a parent, whether he said sorry or not is not the point…. I need to forgive so I can go on and live my life.  Maybe….. open my heart back up (carefully) so I can REALLY appreciate the amazing guy that WAS brought into my life.  Who’s birthday, by the way, is today 🙂