The Big Scare (1st Trimester)

If you’re someone like me who’s been TTC (Trying to Conceive) for years (or even months), you know the desperate feeling of wanting that positive… Just one.  I got that positive a few weeks ago but having tried for so long, I still had my guard up.  I tested almost every morning and took a peek whenever I “went” to make sure there wasn’t any blood..

Yesterday I missed a morning dose of Crinone (progesterone).  I took it as soon as I got home from work (around 5pm) then took my regular 8pm dose.   I thought I was in the clear.

But, on my way to work this morning I felt that all too familiar feeling – the gush.  I got to work and there was no stopping it.  My pants were soaked.  2 large clots came out.  One was gunky white (looking back, I think it was the Crinone build up).  I was devastated.  I sat in my office bathroom for about 30 minutes crying to my nurse.  Then crying to my husband.  Finally calling my coworker to save me from humiliation.  She drove me home where I laid in bed as instructed.

My husband met me at home and we just sat there for 5 hours staring at the clock.. tick & tock….

I could still feel cramping off and on (like contractions).  I kept drinking water and waited till our 2pm appointment.  I started clearing out The Bump & What To Expect update emails from my inbox.  I started to uninstall the Pregnancy app from my phone. The contractions slowed and the bleeding turned to spotting.

We left for our appointment.  As we were driving, I kept praying that our doctor would be kind, sincere, & gentle when sharing the dreaded news.  I was relieved to see the lobby was empty when we got there.  I couldn’t break down in front of other hopeful-mom-patients.  The nurse called us back and I started sobbing, I couldn’t stop.  I sobbed while I told her what was going on, I cried when I undressed, I bawled when I laid on the cold bed.  The doctor came in and immediately said the nurse filled him in on my story.  He started the sonogram and immediately panned towards a little moving dot… a heartbeat.  A healthy 6-week-3-day-old growing baby with a heartbeat! (There was a small section of the sack that looked like it was separating – so the doctor doubled my progesterone)

I looked over and noticed my husband with a tear in his eye – the first time I’ve EVER seen him cry.

So, here we are:  On bed rest.  Light activity, limited to carrying 5lbs or less.  But we are still having a baby!

10289889_10152431231074679_4489361788655038711_nTHANKING GOD EVERY MINUTE!!!

The Two Hour Wait (IVF)

Us IVFers always talk about the TTW (Two Week Wait) you know the longest 2 weeks of your life wondering if all the prep from the start of your cycle till ovulation has worked.. constantly POAS (Peeing on a Stick) to see if you will finally get they BFP.

But what about that 2 Hour Wait… you got that BFP, and BFP again… and BFP again.. still in shock… wondering if it’s really REALLY true..so you get your blood work done and …. tick tock tick tock… wait for the words to come straight from the nurse’s mouth.

I had my 2nd beta test this morning. Since they have an in-office lab, they said I’ll be getting a call at 12:30pm… tick tock tick tock..

Is the phone volume on high? Is it getting a good signal? I stare at the phone.

I’m not-so-patiently pacing through the Two Hour Wait

 

UPDATE: The nurse must have heard my incessant finger-tapping from miles away, because she called a half-hour early. My second beta results were 170 (first test was 67) so all is good! First sonogram scheduled for May 21st  GOD IS GOOD!

How Do I Write This Post? (IVF)

In short, I’m Pregnant!

For 3+ years, I’ve been trolling blogs and infertility forums.  Wishing and dreaming that the “BFP” (Big Fat Positive) post would be something I could share one day.

I never planned how I would announce this special moment – and now I am just speechless.

I’m pregnant.  ***Let me just let that sink in*** I have a little one (maybe two) growing inside me.

Still in shock.

On Wednesday, I had a hunch. I was still very crampy, I felt like my cycle was coming on any minute now… but it was different.  So I drove to CVS and bought a test.  I couldn’t believe how quickly the “+” showed up.  I couldn’t wait to tell hubby in person, so I emailed him this picture:

20140430_083509We bought these booties years ago, when we first started “trying”… I had to dig them out from the back of the closet, forgot all about them – until now.

He was speechless.  Next thing I knew, he was at the door – he came home from work to give me a hug. We both didn’t know what to say!

That evening I spotted just a little, so I took another test – still positive.  I called the doctor the next morning and they took a blood test – still positive.

Last night I took another test – still positive. I am in awe. And I’m grateful to God, so grateful.

I have another beta (blood) test tomorrow morning so I am praying all is well!

Here were/are my symptoms:

d1p5dt: Cramps

d2p5dt: Cramps, feel like my period is about to start, irritated

d3p5dt: Cramps – front to lower back, irritated, sleepy, breasts sore

d4p5dt: same

d5p5dt: same

d6p5dt: same, and gassy (Clearblue Plus: BFP)

d7p5dt: Cramping subsided a bit but keep feeling a twinge in my lower abdomen, gassy, breasts still sore (Clearblue Plus: BFP, Beta positive: 60-something-something… I was in such shock, I forgot the numbers)

d8p5dt: Less cramping, twinge still in my lower abdomen (hard to explain), nauseous… (First Signal: BFP)

 

 

Stress (IVF)

Today is 3dp5dt (3 Days Past 5 Day Transfer – to further detail, we transferred (2) previously-frozen 5-day-old embryos into my uterus 3 days ago).  Phew…. my oh my, how the TTC (Trying To Conceive) World can be so complicated!

The first couple days I tried to stay as low-key as possible, laying in bed most of the day on Thursday (Day of Transfer)

The second day, my son and I went to the grocery store to pick up some snacks and Redbox movies.  I took advantage of the motorized shopping cart.. you know, the little cart that you can ride in?  Positives: Got me around the store without much effort & that baby can make a sharp U-ey at any given time!  Negatives: You must tolerate the VERY loud beeping noise when reversing & it is really super slow.

Yesterday, my son had an event we committed to months ago which was 45 minutes away, so I drove him there.  Spent some time sitting at the mall, thinking I’d have to turn around and get him but ended up going back home to lay in bed.

Anyway, here are my symptoms, yesterday I had major cramping like I was about to have my period… stat!  The cramping went all through the front of my lower abdomen to my lower back.  This morning, I just felt “blahh” like I might have a cold, and I am IRRITATED with everyone.  Which leads me to the topic of my post… Stress.

Little did we know how much stress-level comes into play upon post-transfer.  After all, our doctor looked my husband in the eye during our pre-op appointment and said, “she is not to lift a finger” & “treat her like a princess”  But, since Thursday it has been nothing but easy asking him so much as to give me a glass of water.  He sighs and complains, and argues when I get up to do it myself.  Yet, it wouldn’t happen if I waited.  So, the stress level is HIGH. Super-High – especially having to drive my son to his event without any offer from my husband – and his refusal to come along, when asked. 

So, HOW do I remain stress-free?  These 5 days post-transfer are truly critical to the success of this transfer and I am hitting walls in getting the support I need. 

This isn’t a question of if he wants the baby…. I know he does.  After all, last year, I absolutely resolved to the idea that we wouldn’t have children.  But he pushed and talked so much about it that I gave in and asked him to look me in the eye and tell me if he wanted to go through the IVF process.  Well, you know the answer (because I am here today).  But, the past few days he has been nothing but distant and unsupportive.

Well, 9 more days till test day.  Hoping it will get better, but in the meantime, I’ll try find ways to stay stress-free on my own.

 

 

 

 

Transfer Day (FET) & The Full Bladder

I would have titled yesterday’s event as “The Full Bladder” had it not been for the very important event that took place. Why?  Because when they ask you to have a full bladder, that will be about the only thing on your mind for at least 30 minutes before the transfer.  In fact, I think I tried to be an overachiever because I had to relieve myself a couple times before the appointment.

So, for those going through IVF – when they tell you to have a full bladder, my suggestion is to know how quickly your bladder fills up before you start drinking!

Today is the day after transfer… I feel cramping. Like little pulling here and there.. It may have been something I ate, may be gas, excitement, nerves.  You name it.  And I’m tired.  Not sure if it’s all in my head.  So don’t take this as a go-to reference just yet! 

Anyway, thanks all for your thoughts and positive words, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Pre-Transfer (FET) Part 2

Well, it’s 6:02am. I could hardly sleep last night. I’ve been tossing and turning.  I’m like a kid at Christmas. When do I get to open my gift??

Hubby, on the other hand, is happily snoring away.

4 1/2 more hours until transfer

3 1/2 more hours till I can start drinking water – for a full bladder

Should I take another prenatal vitamin?? I want my body to be extra ready for the embryos

Should I clean?

I’m hungry – but it’s too late to eat…

I lay on one side and my butt cheek hurts, I lay on the other and my butt cheek hurts….

Thoughts….. All these thoughts are going through my head….. It’s transfer day!

Transfer-Eve (FET)

It’s almost time, I can hardly wait! 12 hours from now I’ll be in the lobby of the doctor’s office eagerly anticipating the welcome of 2 little embryos.

It’s been 2 months since the retrieval and, as time ticks closer to transfer day, the emotions swirl.  It’s not doubt. Maybe it’s fear. After all, we’ve been trying for almost 3 years.  IUIs, injections, suppositories, pills, herbal remedies, acupuncture, hypnosis, Chinese tea…. You name it, we’ve done it.  Then we took a year off to breathe.  My, what a break can do: I felt renewed.  And I felt like it gave my husband and me time to get back on the same page.

We confidently dove into the IVF process.  Not knowing the full process, each step has been a “first experience” for us both.

And now, less than a day away, we will have our biggest chance yet of having a child of our own.  I went to church this evening.  They have classes on Wednesdays.  Hubby and I decided to go to a Biblical Thinking class – it was just what I needed.  I realized that I need to stop looking to myself in this and start looking to God.  And that gives me peace.

I’m ready! SO ready for tomorrow: TRANSFER DAY!

Countdown! (IVF FET Cycle)

I had my check this morning… and I couldn’t have asked for better news – my lining looks good!

For you football fans: It’s like one of those games where your team is down by 2 points and you intently watch as the kicker attempts a 45 yd field goal…. and the crowd goes silent…. you just want to hear those two words: “It’s Good”…. and that’s what I heard today. IT’S GOOD!!

So countdown begins, transfer day is Thursday. 

I’m currently taking Lupron & Delestrogen (which I’ve been complaining about for almost a month).  Instead of lessening the meds, they have now added Progesterone in Oil, a steroid, and antibiotic to the protocol.

But I have no care in the world right now….. Countdown is ON!

Lupron Day 21 (FET Cycle)

Well, today is Day 21 on Lupron and tomorrow will be my 4th dose of Delestrogen.  My next appointment will be Thursday, a possible pre-op appointment.

ImagePhoto Credit to Google Search

 

I feel like I need to write today.  Most of the time, I plan my posts hours before I actually write them…. but today, I just feel like I need to write my little heart out.  You don’t necessarily need to read this…. this is just me blogging today.

As I was saying I’m on Day 21 of Lupron…. 21 days of shots every morning – not to mention the 1 1/2″ needle that goes into the top of my rear end every 3 days…. can I say I’m hormonal?????  I believe it’s the Lupron that makes me have hot flashes.  I could barely sleep last night because at one minute I was burning up from inside… then extremely cold the next.

And I Just Want To Cry

Really, I’m eager and excited for what is to come.  I am hopeful.  I don’t want to complain.

But these meds are no joke.  Now I understand why they have IVF support group, mentors, forums, blogs…. we need all the support we can get.  And if it was easy to tell outsiders what we’re going through, then it wouldn’t be so difficult.  Dare I say that the closest of friends, family, even spouses have no clue what us IVF-ers feel like having extreme levels of hormones injected into you every day (sometimes twice a day).  What makes it worse, is when you have an emotional day – they take it personally and the stress level rises when you feel like you have to carefully construct conversations when you really want to just SCREAM, and CRY.

3 more days…. THREE more days till my next doctor’s appointment.  I can wait. Please God, let Thursday come quick!

 

 

Sick Day (IVF)

I’m laying in bed a bit later than usual this morning… Yesterday I had this “fuzzy brain feeling” like I was tipsy… only problem was I wasn’t drinking.  The feeling lasted through the afternoon.  Then this morning I woke up with a headache.  I haven’t done much research on Delestrogen so I couldn’t tell you if it’s the side effects, if I’ve caught a bug, or just plain old stress.  Right now I just feel exhausted to the point where I have bags under my eyes and they look bloodshot.  I’ve had plenty of sleep, way more than usual. I am just tired with a headache.

My coworker called me a few minutes ago.  I confided in her a couple months ago that I would be going through IVF.  So she asked if I was OK.  I explained what I was feeling.  Then she asked me, “are you starting to wonder if it’s all worth it?”

Without hesitation I told her it is totally worth it. Absolutely worth it.

Who else would I go through the pain, sickness, overcoming my fear of needles, betting my future nest egg… who else would I go through this for..  But my own child?

This – All of This – is worth the glimmer of hope that we might be able raise a child that might look like me and act like my husband… or look like him and act like me.. whatever qualities… I don’t mind laying here fuzzy-brained on this perfect cloudy morning.