When It’s Not You…. He’s Still Your Better Half

I’ve been sitting on this post for quite some time… since December, actually. I’ve thought about how to word it, because I am sensitive to my audience. A lot of US are dealing with different stages and issues of infertility. Now (in February), I’m a little past “numb”, stepping into “giving up” and ready to “move on”.

But first, I want to talk seriously about dealing with your spouse’s infertility.  From conversation, I hear a lot about the 1st person point of view towards infertility.  As a spouse who is married to someone dealing with infertility, I felt I should write a little from my point of view.

Going into a marriage some (especially the young at heart) might have expectations right off the bat: double-income, buy a house, have a child or two.  Often there’s a timeline.. like a 5-year-plan of some sort.  In reality, it might be a 10 to 15-year plan with some bumps and forks in the road.

In the past year, I was seeing the fertility specialist several times a month! I would go in for procedures and, every 3 months, there was a ‘next level up’ in the plan. Though chances should have been better with each level, the only thing that increased was the medical bill. I sat down and talked with the specialist. What could it be? I’ve had prior pregnancies, no complications. Then she discussed my spouse’s ‘levels and counts’. When I found out about his infertility, I deliberated on how to tell him. I didn’t want him to read into any unintended tone in my voice. I never want to be degrading or insensitive. I suggested alternative medicine and used subtle hints instead.

I once read a funny Facebook Post listing points about how men think: “Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!” ~M.R.

It is true, he didn’t get the hint. By the time I finally got it out, it was in frustration. The tone came out, it was not how I intended to say it! “You’re not even trying,” I complained! “Do you even want a baby,” I pleaded. Because of what he’s already been through, I set myself to protect him. In turn, I lashed out in frustration.  ‘Perhaps it’s something that will fix itself in time,’ I thought to myself.

If I could say one thing about the situation: I don’t blame him, I don’t blame anyone.. but I’m still disappointed. I’m sad.  I’m hurt.  And if I didn’t allow myself to feel this way, separately from my husband – I believe it would have affected my marriage.

When I met my (now) husband, I was drawn to his character.  I thought about the fun we would have, our experiences together.  For a mere blip (a year or so, out of a lifetime) I dreamed of a child we could share.  But, there is more out there I look forward to.  I love him to pieces, then I’d put him back together and love him to pieces again 😉

Bathroom Dilemmas

Excuse the hair, my hair gets everywhere

Ahhh, the age-old conflict between man and woman…. he squeezes, you slide. He likes it under, you like it on top.   What do you think I’m talking about? Toothpaste and toilet paper of course!

I’ve heard of major arguments stemming from these two innocent bathroom fixtures. They can’t help but cause confusion, after all, there are no instructions on how to consume them.  And at times it can be so confusing! I will share something embarrassing: one day, I was reloading the toilet paper.  For some reason I could not figure out how to get it to get the paper to roll over.  Rotating and rotating the stupid little tube.  I had to sit and look at it for a second thinking, why is this so difficult?? When it suddenly came to me, flip it over! DUH.  Now, I can say we both agree on the toilet paper roll issue.

But the one thing we do NOT agree on is toothpaste.  Can you guess which one is mine?  Well I can tell you a little about our personalities.. he’s a laid back, ‘it’s all going to work itself’ out type of guy.  And I’m an orderly, ‘have processes and post-its for everything’ type of gal.  Our solution: Get Two.

Can’t agree on toothpaste? We have 2.  Don’t watch the same shows on TV? His DVR is in the Living Room, mine is in the bedroom.  Other issues work themselves out.  I love chocolate, he doesn’t care for it.  He loves strawberries, me not so much.  Our method of resolving the little things in life seems pretty easy right?  Are we avoiding some type of toothpaste and TV blow up in the future?  Probably.  But one can only hope either one of us never runs out of toothpaste!